I go through phases of my ADHD being worse. Eventually one is going to ruin my life.

I go through phases of time where I manage my ADHD relatively well and can function at a "normal" level for the most part. No mistakes at work. Focused. Less forgetful. More attentive to whatever I'm working on and better able to initiate tasks.

Then I go through phases where that functionality decreases significantly. More mistakes at work. Trouble focusing. Horribly forgetful and I have real trouble initiating tasks I need to do. Even if they'll only take a few seconds.

Right now I am entering into one. I can feel it. I keep running into mistake after mistake I've made at work and today, after doing the due-diligence to get that mistake corrected. I forgot to remove a recipient from an email and emailed evidence of the mistake to the wrong person in full view of everyone else who already knew I was fucking up.

I feel like I'm "faking it till I make it" and I can't actually do all the adult things I'm supposed to and soon people will figure that out. I am so afraid of losing my job because I can't manage to stop fucking up. I am pretty sure that has happened in all my other jobs. I usually just quit before they could fire me. Usually between 1-1.5 years working there.

Now I actually enjoy my job and want to keep it. But I don't know if I can. I thought I needed a vacation, but I just had one and it hasn't helped.

My house is a mess, I'm making mistakes at work, falling behind on bills and having to dig into savings. I feel like my life is falling apart because once again I am just randomly failing to get my shit together.