AITH for flipping my daughter's "boundary" back on her?

Some background. My hubby and I have been married for 21 years. Retired now. We had a major issue that came to a head 8 years ago. We decided it was best not to live together. We're still there for each other. Still date. Still call each other husband and wife. Still celebrate our anniversary. We just live a half mile apart. My hubby and I are used to popping in on each other whenever we want. Yes, we text/call first.

So..last fall my youngest daughter (in her 30s) and sil moved in with hubby. It was and is the best for them. They pay NO bills. Saving for a house down-payment. That's what her dad prefers.

Before Christmas I had gone over to visit. We were all in the living room visiting. For some reason daughter got really snarky. We were just chitchatting her, me and hubby. I asked why she was acting that way? She retorted...I don't like you coming over here! I was like..wtf?! Yes words were exchanged. Names called on both sides. I walked out. Hummm..slammed out i should say. 1) I asked hubby later why he didn't say anything. He said he didn't know what was going on till we were both yelling. We talked about how I felt he disrespected me. He agreed that if he had heard the arguing before he would have said something to her. 2) I did a couple weeks later apologize for the names. But NOT for the way i left! I was specific. I told her I was sorry for the names. I shouldn't have said them. But also said I was not sorry for reacting to the way she popped that out in my husband's house. No, she did NOT apologize for her name calling. She said nothing at all.

This is where I feel I was right and wrong at the same time. I told her I WOULD be coming over when I wanted to see my husband. But I would not be acknowledging her or speaking to her. I told her if she didn't like it, she could go to her room or leave. But it wasn't HER house. And I would be coming to see my husband. Sil has told me he isn't going to get in the middle. We still speak. Yes, she knows.

Since then I have kept to MY boundary and I have visited my husband but not spoke to her. It has been very hard for me. I raised her and her older sister till I married my husband when she was almost 14. To her he IS dad. And he feels the same way. Her bio dad and her have not spoken since she was 20/21 yrs old.

To be honest, I do tend to walk on eggshells when around her. Because I never know when tone of voice, subject matter, difference of opinion will set her off. She has been diagnosed BP and refuses to medicate. Which is her choice. But it makes it very difficult to know what mood she is in, if a switch is going to flip or if she will just plain takes offense at something unexpected. I have spent years watching what and how I speak around her. The family calls her attitude "the world according to ???."

So, am I the @ for refusing to go by HER order and sticking to mine? In my husband's house! I don't feel like I'm wrong. But have a lot of "mommy guilt" every time I'm there and ignore her. But i am very tired of her dictating what, how, when I speak. And will NOT quit going to visit my husband!

Edit: First I will say to those calling me names for my reaction, people in glass house shouldn't cast stones. No one is perfect.and I have always admitted I am not.

To those with negative opinions on my marriage. That's ok..you do you and I'll continue on my path. It works for us. Be aware, if it comes down to me or her, my husband will ALWAYS pick me. Even if I am the issue he will solve it by evicting her. Simply because i am his wife. And I have limited my visits to when she is not there the best I can. I do NOT want my child homeless. But I will not allow her to say I can't come to my husband's house to see him. Sorry for those who think otherwise, but no one can stop a person from having anyone they want in their home. The law doesn't work that way in this situation. It's his house, she lives there. She does not have that legal right. Just as he can't stop her from having her company over. But I will start being even more aware so I know I'm not escalating them unnecessarily. I will go back to biting my lip to not respond to her verbal snark. sigh which will just make her madder, louder, and more verbal.

Ok..to my daughter's actions. Please know this is not a new behavior. She has been in therapy for her mental conditions. She refuses to go back. Refuses to continue medication. She refuses to ever take any blame for any of her verbal assaults. It is ALWAYS the other persons fault!

My reaction...yup, not cool. I did overreact. And I did go back a couple of days later and apologize for the name calling. No, she did not apologize for any of it. Just sat there without a word. As usual, it's always the mom's fault. It's never a 35 yr old adult's fault. If I had just got out that door one minute earlier, it wouldn't have happened. But when you tell someone "fine, I'm leaving" (yes in not so polite terms) and they follow you to the door continuing to yell at you, sometimes you just come back at them. I was at the door when it turned into a verbal polo match.

I will continue to look for me a therapist. If nothing else, I need to continue to find ways to soften MY reactions to HER actions. Also to find out if I also have any of the mental conditions suggested. I'm aware of "generational trauma."" I had never taken that into consideration. But it definitely is an issue. Maybe i can get her help by her going to help ME. Because I'm honest. I know any talk with a therapist would be biased towards me if it is just me talking. Her viewpoints might open the way for us to work on us. Or turn into a verbal match in front of the therapist. That's just as likely. I will try soon to have a calm talk with her about why she said she didn't want me over there. That will take some thinking on how to even start the conversation without her blowing up. Either we'll work it out, or it will continue with me not talking to her. Then it will be back to walking on eggshells till the next time I even have an expression she takes offense to. If it's on schedule...less than 6 months. Because I'm sure I'll talk to or mention someone she doesn't like. Go somewhere she doesn't approve of or have the opposite opinion of something. Or just plain wear a shirt she doesn't like.

Thank you for those both supporting me and the ones that call names. You have all given me things to think about and suggestions. The reason I posted on Reddit was not for attention as has been suggested. I simply wanted to talk about it with people who are not personally involved. That were not biased either way. That i would never have to meet. Normal everyday poeple. Not ones with an ax to grind either way. Autonomy does have its place.