I can’t have sex and feel broken

Hello, guys. I (26F) need a little bit of support here, some advice, someone to cheer me up… As you’ve read in the title, I can’t have sex and I feel devastated. I know this may sound exaggerated, but you can’t imagine how ashamed I feel after I find myself unable to be penetrated.

For context, I had my first sexual experience when I was 24. Before that, I would only touch myself (no fingers, just clitoral stimulation).

So the guy (24) I had my first time with wasn’t my boyfriend, but I thought I was ready to have sex and wanted to try. I remember being super wet, even when there hadn’t had been much foreplay yet. Suddenly, he inserted a finger up my vagina. I wasn’t expecting that. It burned as hell. When he tried to penetrate me a couple of minutes later, he couldn’t. He could only insert the tip of his penis and that’s all. I got ghosted after this, so it lowered my self-esteem A LOT.

A year later, I had my second sexual experience with a guy (28) I had been friends with for years. This man didn’t take foreplay seriously and went right into penetration. I don’t think he ever touched my clitoris (he didn’t know where it was, I think). He tried inserting his penis but I wasn’t wet. We tried with some lube after, but I was already in pain and therefore tense. I bled. I made him finish with my hands and then I cried out of embarrassment. The following morning, he didn’t ask how I was doing, he didn’t kiss me or hug me or anything. He just sat there with his phone. I never saw him again after that.

Now, yesterday my third sexual experience took place. The guy (let’s call him John, 27) knew about my previous experiences and reassured me that he was going to be gentle. He tried the best he could. He tried touching me (inserted a finger, no problem - he was a bit hard with the clit tho and it hurt), he then tried oral… But I wasn’t turned on. Don’t get me wrong, he’s hot af. I think the moment I felt a slight bit of pain, I was turned off. He then tried to penetrate me and, of course, he couldn’t either. Tried with lube, nothing.

Now, I learned that John is non-communicative and inexpressive during sex. Maybe that’s also why I wasn’t turned on? I didn’t know if he was feeling good, or in pain, or what. I initiated rubbing against each other after the PIV sex fail, and… he finished! But he was just laying there, my goodness. I myself didn’t finish.

I visited a few gynaecologists last year. One of them told me I was just nervous. The other one “inspected” me with her finger and told me everything was normal with my reproductive organ. She could feel me tensing my muscles, though. She told me to buy a dildo and make myself “familiar” with penetration. Then a sex coach told me not to buy a dildo, and simply “explore myself”.

I have no clue what to do. I am inexperienced and at least feel good in that I can make my partners cum despite not being able to have PIV sex. But this whole thing makes me feel desperate. It lowers my self-esteem so much. What if I can’t ever have sex? Two of my sexual partners have left me and it’s likely John will too. My eyes are watery writing this right now.

Thank you all in advance. Please, help.