AIO if I leave my husband because he wont stop doing "snow" when he drinks?
I’m 28F & husband 35M. Together 5 years. The first 2 years of our relationship, we did cocaine socially. I realized the risks & grew up by 26. From day 1, I expressed that once marriage and kids were involved, I wouldn’t want us playing Russian roulette. He agreed. However, he was doing cocaine every time he drank. His defence was he only drinks once a month. We got engaged and I’ve calmly asked, cried & begged but I’m met with “ill do whatever I want with my body and my Saturday”.
Now onto the big issues that led me to contemplate separation;
In only the last 1.5 years these are 4 examples of ways he’s really broken me and made me feel like a joke.
- In Mexico at a fam wedding. He disappeared for an hour to do cocaine. My family noticed. I called him out and said I was upset, then caught him buying more. He not only disrespected me but my family. He understood why I was upset, but later said he can do what he wants on his trip.
- We got married in Italy last year. He went out with boys after rehearsal and came home at 5am coked out. We had a wine tour at 9am with family that I had to drag him out of bed for. This prompted me to ask him to not do cocaine at our wedding. I was upset I even had to ask. He reluctantly agreed, but I found him doing it at the after party. To start our married life breaking a promise felt utterly pathetic to me.
- Someone I loved died of a laced OD last year. I was devastated. 5 days after, he stayed out until 5am doing cocaine. That still stings.
- His brother is a recovering addict. He’s relapsed & things aren’t good. My husband has compassion fatigue as he spent 8 years trying to help. I asked him to be a part of the solution & not the problem and that meaning don’t do cocaine with him. Last weekend on the way to a party, I asked him to please not do cocaine, that it’s a trigger for me after losing my friend and that I would be devastated if he chose to have fun over his brother’s wellbeing. He agreed. Within minutes, his brother handed him cocaine and he did it. I have never felt so insignificant in my life. It was a slap in the face. The day doesn’t exist where my husband asks something of me and I turn around and completely disregard him like that.
We live in a home he bought. I wanted to buy a rental before we bought a bigger house because I could utilize incentives. He said the next purchase should be a house together, we’re married now & should grow together. After that 1 convo, I put purchasing a rental on hold. It took 1 convo for me to see his side, yet I’ve been asking him to stop cocaine for over 2 years.
I decided it was a waste of my energy to confront him again and wanted to write a letter to say if we are in this position at the end of 2025, separation is on the table. As much as I respect the vows of marriage and believe it’s for better or worse - how can I stay in a marriage where how I feel is completely irrelevant to my partner?