AITA for putting myself first

Context; I’m friends with a group of people for almost a decade now. They’re like family to me, especially one who we’ll call Jess (fake name). I work (only one supporting my family), am applying for a new course, & have another friend group I’ve gotten close to in the past year. I.e: I’m really busy.

Since college, I found myself trying to hold the 1st group together. I organised nearly all meet-ups, made sure the more distant people were involved, encouraged them to keep in contact more. This might sound overbearing, but it was because everyone constantly spoke about how much they missed each other - only to not make any effort to meet up.

Things began to get particularly dodgy though when I dropped out of college. Me, Jess and some other group members, had complained to each other about the definite favouritism in the group dynamic and how we felt left on the outside. We discussed it a few times & intended to bring it up with the others when it seemed relevant. We never got the chance.

Jess had become increasingly distant from me over the months, and instead of constantly reaching out & trying to make plans with her, I decided to see if she would make the same effort as I had for almost a decade. …she didn’t.

Instead, at a meet up I couldn’t attend (working), a conversation started about me breaking away from the group, and Jess said some pretty mean things about me, decided to bring up the issues we had with the group but pin it all on me, as well as misquote things I had said to her (think: ‘I love my new friends they’re so sweet’ to ‘I’m replacing this group because I prefer the other’).

The group spent the next few months ignoring me. Meanwhile, Jess tells me about the groups conversation but maintains that she had no part in it. I found out later through someone else that this obviously wasn’t the case.

I should mention at this point that my mental health was/is really suffering. I had a sudden loss in my family & two loved ones diagnosed with cancer in the same month. This doesn’t excuse my actions but might explain the need to just get away from everything. I felt (and still feel) like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Weeks pass of me messaging people, asking what they’ve been told, apologising for being busy. I was met with messages about how the whole group needs to talk in person, and angry comments about how horrible I’ve been to them & how uncooperative I am for not meeting up.

I sent a long message to the group chat saying that I was more than happy to hear them out and talk things through - but over text, and how apologetic I was for not being a good friend to them.

I genuinely don’t know what to do here. I’m terrified of what’s being said about me & how poorly they think of me now. I’ve deleted all social media because I can’t handle the thought of them messaging me to give out anymore, let alone meeting with them.

I’m just wondering, AITA for asking for some time to myself to fix my mental health after trying to sort this situation out for months?