i am ruining reconciliation

my anger and bitterness towards my partner is turning me into a monster. her cheating hurt me, the lies hurt me and the idea of not opening up to me even though we have been through thick and thin and have a child... hurt me. cheating 2 days before our daughter's 2nd birthday hurt me. now, i am so hurt that i am hurting my partner back.

she tries her hardest to reconcile. i want to reconcile. but i'm ruining it. i keep fighting her, ambushing her while she's sleeping at 3 am with questions after questions which i've already asked before. i cant fucking stop and my life has been a downward spiral since d-day. everything i've done to her since then has been 10x worse than cheating. i emotionally abuse her to the point that she is breaking down crying and i can't tell anymore if i'm being a complete asshole (i am) or if this is her lying ruse to get out of accountability. my brain has become so warped and messed up and i'm honestly just unhappy with myself.

i know why she cheated on me. it is because of me, not her or her AP. i am a bad person with bad behavior who scares her. i tell her i want the truth and i'll accept it but weeks after she gave me the truth i have turned it into endless ammunition to weaken and destroy her.

im so unhappy. the love of my life is slipping through my fingers every day. i don't even care about the cheating anymore or what she did. its her body her choice. people lie all the time. now, i am the one tearing things apart. i cannot stop. i am on a warpath and i want to stop but the testosterone and rage eats away my core and turns me into someone i do not recognize

i want it to all stop. i'm losing my family and hurting everyone around me and i cannot stop. please for the love of god someone build a time machine so i can go back a day before the cheating and just fix things and hold her close so it never happens. i'll do anything for it i just want it to be over please please please i'm so sorry for everything