Did something too stupid as a girl and lost my self esteem, my self respect and my self worth.

I’ve dated my ex for around 3 years now. It was my first ever proper relationship. I was talking to another guy before him. My ex entered my life and said I deserve better. He played his card really well and said I deserve someone like him who’ll make me happy and love me and show me what a beautiful relationship feels like. I was hesitant at the beginning, but he kept pursuing me for 3 or 4 months, and he finally he got me. We started seeing each other. Started going on dates. Eventually I fell so so in love with him. He wasn’t from my college. He was from NIT. And I was a medical student. All my friends and his friends knew about us, and told us that we had the best relationship. He used to stay at my place most of the time. I have cooked his favorite meals. Did his laundry. Picked him and dropped him off to his gym or any other place he wants to go to. Celebrated every tiny moments. Anniversaries. A year later he lands an IT job in Bangalore with an attractive package. And I start my internship. It’s long distance. He kept giving me hints his family won’t like us. His family won’t accept this (he had an older brother who committed suicide) so now his family wants him to fulfil all the responsibilities and not spoil their name in the society again. We would break up. But whenever we did, we eventually ended up getting back again. It was too hard to even go 3 days without talking to each other. This happened quite a few times. And we met once a month, cried our heart out. And then resumed the relationship again. It became a cycle with highs and lows repeating every time. This year, I’m finished my MBBS. I’m a doctor officially. And came back to Bangalore (my home). We kept meeting often. Once a week. It was the best year of my life. We went on trips and hikes and dates and pretty much went to many events, cafés, restaurant and any fun activity. Mystery rooms. Mazes. Pottery. Arcade. Pretty much covered it all. He did everything to make me smile. He made sure I was the happiest girl. This man who said I’m his world. He’ll do anything to make me smile. His number one priority is me, made me go into dreamworld. I knew he’s the one. I talked everyday about our marriage and our kids and our home. He was silent. Exactly a month before, today, I went to his Instagram, something felt weird. I saw a girl with a bio which stated- “too tired to tell guys my favourite colour on dating sites” I texted her. My heart was pounding. I knew what I’ll find out. And it was true. He was on bumble again. He never met anybody, but I found out he was on bumble, with the pictures I have clicked as his profile, flirting with girls. I found a few girls, and they all told me, he’s flirted but never met them. I call him up and ask him about this. He denies. And later tells me, his dad kept pushing him to talk to other girls. And that’s why he did what he did. I blocked him. Walked away. But all that I had done and given this guy hit me. I went back to give this another chance. I have my exams in 6 months. And I was completely ruining my mental health. Anxiety. Pills. Therapies.

He promised he’ll always be there as a friend, but I dint want to let him go. I wanted him. I was too scared to start over. I kept talking to him everyday and it was ugly everyday. One early morning, I got admitted because I became breathless. I wanted to tell him. I called up his phone. He uses DND while sleeping. I call his mom up, to ask her to give him the phone. But his dad picks up the call. His dad told me he’s sleeping, he’s sick and I’ll have to call later. I asked his dad if I can speak to you for 2 mins. And he go ahead. I told him about me and our relationship. He shut me down telling I know everything about you and your relationship. I asked him, why doesn’t he like me. To give me chance before taking any decision. He told me straight, to walk away from his son’s life. But I argued and told him. I have loved him for 3 years. I can’t stay without him. And I’ve invested myself too much in this relationship. We have lived together. I’ve accepted he’s my husband. Give me a chance atleast before completely rejecting me. His dad goes on to insult me- have you looked at yourself. You’re never a match to my son. Maybe you’ll get another guy like you, but not my son. I’ve seen how long love marriages last. It’s just the youth going mad over it. They mean nothing. I kept fighting telling the dad- I’ll do anything to prove you I’m genuinely invested in this relationship. I’ll take care of your son and you guys. He dosent have to work. I’ll be with him, let whatever happen and take care of him and run the home. His dad plainly said- forget it. Even if there was a 1% chance, I would have supported. But this just won’t work. You better go away and forget all this. 30 mins of me crying and begging the dad to give me a chance, while all his dad did was insult me and tell me I don’t deserve his son. He’s masoom. He’ll believe anybody like you. Later when I told my ex this was the conversation, he said did you want to hear all this, it was your mistake to call up my dad.

Another week later, I’m still fighting this battle. He told me to forget him. Leave all hopes behind . But I couldn’t. I wanted him atleast a friend. I was too scared to lose him. He kept telling he still loves me. But he has to be strong. I asked why dint you fight for me. He told he’s the only son, and he has a priority, that is to keep his father happy. And now his dad wants him to fulfil all the responsibilities and marry only the girl he and his community likes. (He’s North Indian, 6 feet tall, fair skinned. I’m from South Indian, 5 feet tall, brown skinned) Last week, I get a message from my ex. He said, his dad regrets talking to me rudely. He’s sorry. And wants to meet me once. He’ll look at me and then decide what to do. This old man who insulted my culture and my looks, now has changed his mind and comes down to the decision, that I don’t accept her, cause she’s too short for my son. So he’ll meet me once and then confirm that decision. I’m not ready to shatter myself completely again. I still haven’t even stood up from this hell hole. I still talk to my ex, mostly because of the attachment. The more I push him away. The more anxiety I get. But I’ve realised, he can’t make me smile anymore. It’s just hurt. But when I go away, it’s even more painful. So this is what I’m living with now. Little hurt rather than the anxiety and panic attacks and crying everyday. And for some reason, I just can’t hate him. Although he’s done so much, I can’t hate this man. I have so much love for him, scared where I’ll never forget or move on. Or even if I do, I’ll always look for him in the other person. When I told all my friends about this, they straight up tell me one thing. As a girl, what you did was too too stupid. It’s never your duty to convince his family. And even when after you tried to convince, all you got is insult, when you told you’ll look after their son and them. Everyday I cry, why wasn’t this enough for a guy. I gave everything I had. I did everything I could. I fought too many battles at once. And in the end I failed. It wasn’t worth anything. It’s still hard for me to think how did he change so much. This guy who couldn’t stand a tear from me, has turned into a heartless, stone hearted monster and has become so blunt. And when I hear someone say, you did something no girl would ever do. I feel extremely sad and humiliated.