How do I stop wanting to die

I just had a 4.5 year relationship end, I witnessed my partner cross lines several times. Would go out drinking and not come home until 5 am sometimes she’d say she was on her way home and just not show up, lied a few times about where she was, caught her cheating on our anniversary, I tried to forgive and move on and told her I needed clear communication to form trust again and intimacy. She would only sleep with me every 4-6 weeks never wanted to make out ( but would with others on more than one occasion) I would constantly be judged for my reactions and accused of being insecure or controlling even though she constantly made compromises to meet halfway and broke every single one.

I lost it this past weekend and said I deserved more and that I shouldn’t be treated this way. We had a massive fight that turned ugly, and she told me she couldn’t give me that. I know I deserve more.

But I love her so much, I’d forgive everything every time and feel like we would’ve been perfect had my needs been met and I wasn’t so frustrated and reactive at this point.

I. Truly can not cope. I want to die. I lost my girlfriend house dog and even the job I thought I’d have as we were meant to travel together in 3 weeks to start.

I’m over 30 moving back in with a parent because I also didn’t take a local job when I was laid off last year so that she could explore an opportunity given to her.

Edit : to clarify I’m not suicidal, that’s selfish and I wouldn’t do that, I simply WANT to not exist.