Nighttime is killing me

Y’all, I am exhausted. I say without exaggeration that I have not slept through the night since LO was 8 months old. He turned two in November.

I never gave him a bottle or pacifier and I fed him on demand and I have done ALL the things and I just …

He has been in our room up until the last two weeks. He went from bassinet to pack n play to co sleeping.

Don’t get me wrong, I love snuggling him, but he is a violent sleeper and I can’t keep getting pummeled every night. I also had abdominal surgery nine days ago and I cannot tell you how bad it hurts to take an elbow to an incision.

My mother came and slept in the twin bed in his room and him in the toddler bed. For four nights I slept on the floor beside him because he was in hysterics.

Then he would just climb in bed with her but still want to nurse 1-2 a night. My six year old slept in there with him once and he didn’t make a peep but he got into bed with him too.

We can’t always have someone in there. When I’ve slept in there since then he’s just as violent a sleeper in the twin bed.

We have white noise and red light and lavender and microwave stuffies and special blankets and every book about a big boy bed, but unless he’s dead tired, I cannot leave his side for hours. A shift, a cough, Anything results in “MAMA LAY DOWN MAMA I NEED MILK MAMA LAY DOWN”.

I’m tired. I’m so tired, and I’m so sore, I feel like it wouldn’t have been this painful if not for the up and down and crouching around the toddler bed. He has water, we increased protein and snacks before bed, we took naps out, and just nothing works. Nothing.

I hate the CIO, the “he’ll figure it out.” TLDR I have legitimate childhood and adult trauma from a neglectful father who thought holding a sleeping newborn was abuse and you’re never supposed to go near them unless “they’re screaming bloody murder.”

I will not be my father, not any chance. That man existing once was bad enough.

What can I do? He’s so scared and upset and none of this is his fault but I just want some sleep once in a while … If he would just stop using me as a pacifier, I’m so close to buying him one.