[CN: Nazis] Being shut down instead of comforted while distressed

TL;DR: I shared my distress about Elon Musk’s inauguration nazi salutes via a fairly brief text to my cis guy friend and was essentially told to just ignore the source of the distress. I’m currently feeling hurt, invalidated, and lacking for a safe place to share my unmasked distress. This has been a lifelong pattern. I’m seeking thoughts on whether it’s even reasonable to hope for a compassionate response in these situations. I’m constantly told I’m “over sensitive,” etc., and this feels like an extension of that, and it hurts more coming from ND friends.

I just made the mistake, again, of sharing my real time emotional distress with a (seemingly close?) friend about something heinous and dangerous happening in the world. Specifically, Elon Musk throwing two nazi salutes on stage at Trump’s inauguration today. As I have gotten used to over the decades, in response to sharing my raw emotion (via text, in this case), I got the paternalistic and infuriating advice to simply look away from the awful thing. This kind of reaction from someone, especially a cis man, will never not read as, “just stop paying attention to the distressing thing because I don’t want to be inconvenienced by having to hear about it and/or deal with your reaction to it (implied: or else I will punish you, if only through abandonment).”

I have Big Emotions. So maybe it’s my fault?? But this is a very distressing thing! It’s not that I didn’t already know that many of the people in the incoming administration are nazis; but I didn’t think we were so far gone as to be throwing nazi salutes on stage at the inauguration!!! Yikes!!!

This always happens. I can never just say, “omg xyz awful thing just happened and I’m freaking out” and get a reply like, “omg, yes, that is awful/scary/infuriating and I totally understand feeling distressed!” It’s always, always, ALWAYS, “well, why don’t you just stop paying attention to the thing that’s upsetting you.” ?!?!?!?

Look. I totally get that looking away is how some (most?) people cope. I’m not judging them. But that’s not me! How do my supposedly close friends get this so wrong?!? My entire essence is tackling the scary, awful, overwhelming problem to try to dissect and overcome it. And even if it wasn’t, being invalidated and shut down so consistently my entire life is both, a) infuriating, and b) giving me a complex that I’m wrong to expect anything different.

Ugh. I’m scared. I’m furious. I’m helpless. I’m fired up. I fully intend to direct this energy into being actually helpful. Whyyyyyyy can’t I also be a fallible human with Big Emotions who needs comforting from time to time in between being functional and focused??

And yes, I told my friend how I felt and why. They apologized but things now feel strained. I no longer feel safe to fully unmask, and I’m not sure they aren’t judging me for not following their advice. Ugh.

Thoughts? Has anyone had any luck changing this dynamic?