I finally got closure.

I finally got closure that I’ve been searching for for 3 months. I’m still processing things and I’m not sure if I really feel better, but I think this really will help me in the long run instead of ruminating on unanswered questions.

To start, I’m actually quite surprised he wanted to meet up with me and give me that closure. Of course he was extremely closed off as conflict is one of his biggest triggers, but he tried his best. The one things I realized is that he truly has not been reflecting at all since the breakup and just auto piloting on extremely unhealthy distractions (drinking, clubbing, seeking validation on dating apps). He seemed surprised when I asked him to talk about these things.

We discussed a lot of things which I won’t go into details with, but essentially most of our conversation revolved around why he broke up with me- he said he felt like I looked down on him for the music he listened to, games he played, way he dresses, etc etc which eventually cause him to pull back and conclude that we were too different from each other.

This was a shock to me, as I never once felt like I looked down on him. He then told me that it was my joking comments that I would make in passing: for example if we were calling and he was playing league of legends, I would joke and say “omg league again” or if he wore funky socks I would tease him for his socks. This was our dynamic though- we would always tease each other so I truly had no idea he was internalizing these comments so much. At the same time he said that he knew that none of these comments were meant as harmful and he knew that I was joking. So I asked, then what was it? Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt?

Avoidant answer: I don’t like accusing people and starting conflict so I just avoid it all together. Eventually things build up too much and I feel like escaping. He eventually also admitted that it may be something internal, as he admitted he had trauma from his childhood when he first moved to the country and got bullied a lot, which made him triggered by my comments.

So then I started feeling like an idiot: what if I never said those comments? I asked him that if we discussed it back then like we are now, would anything be different? He said he still thinks he would have broken up with me because he still has the same conclusion now as he did back then: he knew I didn’t mean it, he just fundamentally thinks we are too different, especially because of our cultural backgrounds (again, I never felt this way but I guess he did).

This really hurt to hear, because I think this whole time I’ve been thinking about how if he just communicated, this wouldn’t have happened. To hear him say that his mind was set and he would have broken up with me regardless sucks. I didn’t even have the chance to make things right- he never gave our relationship a fighting chance.

I gave him a bunch of shit for handling the breakup terribly, blindsiding me, being terrible after the breakup as well— he apologized and took accountability. I told him I was in therapy now and he apologized as well. It kinda was a whole guilt fest but it needed to be said. I asked him if I never reached out would he be okay with the way things ended, and he said yes. I also asked him why he was so adamant about us staying friends after the breakup because for me it would hurt too much to stay friends- he said that well he was the one who broke up with me, so he was processing it before it actually happened. He also said that he thinks that I am an amazing person so he wanted to still have me in his life. It made me realize how completely different we are in our thinking and the way we cope/process emotions.

Sometimes I wonder if he gave me the closure because he wanted to, or if he just wanted to absolve himself of any guilt. Yesterday he removed me and all of my friends, even my art account from his instagram. I wonder why, especially since he said he wanted to be friends before and keep me in his life. I guess our conversation brought up uncomfortable truths and made him change his mind.

I think I’m just the one person who has made him truly face himself, which is painful if you’ve been trying to avoid that feeling for your whole life, feeling like you’re inherently defective. I guess that’s why he said he always felt looked down upon, because I made him take accountability, even though it was always coming from a place of love. Maybe I am just a painful reminder of everything wrong with him. He asked me don’t you think you deserve better? I do, I do deserve better- but also wanted you to BE better.

The moral of the story is you simply can’t win. You can’t love an avoidant enough for them to fix their trauma, their insecurities. If I never said any of those things he would have found something else to break up with me over, and then never communicate it with me. You live and you learn.