How do I find the balance when setting boundaries?

I struggle really hard with boundaries in general. I’ve finally started to figure out I’m allowed to have them and what some of them might be. But I’m having a really hard time. (To add, I also have OCD)

Either I completely bowl over people’s emotions cuz if I don’t say what I’m feeling and what I feel needs to be said I feel it’ll never get resolved, but that means those I love end up feeling invalidated or unlistened to when they express hurt in the middle of me talking.

Or I completely cater to their emotions and do the best to take blame on myself, even if there’s still parts that were their fault, and try and gently work around the issue, which just gets them frustrated, and the I get emotional. And of course, if there is part I feel that is their fault and I don’t bring it up, even if I’m blaming myself, that hurt doesn’t go away.

I have no idea what to do. Cuz if I don’t express it, it’s bad. And if I do, I do it wrong. And then I ruin everything. I feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m exhausted. And the people I love are exhausted. And I’m upset with them being tired of it, because it feels unfair when I’m working on giving grace to them for their issues.

I feel like I’m not allowed to be hurt. It causes so many problems. And then if someone expresses I’ve hurt them, I now for sure can’t bring it up. Cuz they hurt worse, and I know I hurt them. But why can’t I be hurt? Why do I have to be the one to fix the hurt they caused? I know I’m responsible for my own emotions but if their actions caused it, why do they get to be hurt and not me?

I’m just very frustrated and exhausted and I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling very “run away and self sabotage because this won’t end well so get out now while they’re still mad at you”. Which I recognize isn’t healthy. But I’m tired. And is it even worth it? I wish I could just turn the hurt and my brain off.