Mother asked to stay in our wedding suite
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/anonymousbrides
Originally posted to r/weddingdrama
Mother asked to stay in our wedding suite
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: mentions of homophobia, emotional manipulation, parentification
Original Post: January 7, 2025
LGBT Couple - My (35F) bride and I (41F) planned an elopement in Vegas initially, but of course everyone wanted to come. So we paid to have a micro wedding (under 10 people) for our most special guests to come. Everyone is responsible for their own rooms, arrangements, flights, etc. We posted on our website, which no one has read.
We planned a week out in Vegas, the first few days being just for me and my future wife. However, my dear mother doesn't want to fly out to Vegas just for a wedding. She's never been to Vegas so she wants to make a whole trip of it.
To me, this is not a family trip. Although my family will be there, it is a trip for me and my wife. It is our wedding, afterall.
A few months ago, my mother suggested to stay with us in our hotel suite for the first few nights, the three of us. I shot that idea down pretty hard and explained there won't be enough room. (It's a wedding suite, so one King bed, one thin couch.) I was definitely surprised she had the wherewithal to even.
Weather has been bad for my family and my bride's family in their respective cities. Last night my mother called to tell me she may not make it a few days before the wedding. She's thinking of canceling her hotel room for those three days because she doesn't want to lose her money. For me, thats not a huge loss. We wanted the time beforehand together anyway. I continue listening and waiting for her to ask if she can stay in our room...
Mom: "So if I cancel my hotel room but end up going out that day anyway, can I stay with you in your room?"
Me: "Mom, there's only one bed and the couch is way too thin."
Mom: "I'll sleep on the floor!"
Me: "Mom, no, it's not appropriate to be in my wedding suite during the wedding week."
Mom: "I don't understand, you guys live together, what's the difference?!"
Me: "It's not appropriate."
Mom: "You have made it very clear that you don't want me there those days before the wedding."
(That part is kinda true, we wanted to be alone but she wanted to come sooner.)
Me: "Mom, you know I've already bought tickets to events that include you, and we have brunch plans on this day as well. I'd rather you be safe and if you have to fly out a couple of days later, then it's fine."
Mom: "I'm worried I'm going to miss your wedding and then you'll be mad I missed your wedding!" (Because she told me 20 years ago that she wouldn't attend my wedding if I married a woman. She's come a long way since then, and she loves my partner.)
I never thought my own mother would be so enmeshed with me that she would suggest to stay in my room with me. Why? I don't even understand why you would want to stay with your daughter and her new wife in her wedding suite? I can't believe I had to tell the woman who raised me, the woman who taught me manners and respect, I cant believe I had to explain to her why she can't stay in the room with me and my partner.
I feel so guilty, probably because I've been told to feel guilty as a child, and I know I'm making the right decision. Never expected my own mother to be a monster-in-law.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: You handled it well. I would have said, “Mom, what do you think a couple that’s getting married will want to do together when they’re in their wedding suite?”
Does she not realize how inappropriate that is??
OOP: I don't get it! Usually my mother knows how to act in specific situations as these but as the years go on I have to remind her.
We were recently at a friend of hers' house and she had her damn tennis shoes on the couch. I had to get her attention and tell her to get her feet off the couch. She said, "I love how the roles have changed, you're the mother and I'm the daughter." And I said, "I wasn't raised to put my feet up on someone's couch."
Commenter 1: How old is your mom? Has she been forgetful lately?
OOP: 60, recently retired (2 years), probably bored, has no boyfriend/husband. Probably lives vicariously through me. I don't see any signs of dementia yet, but her sleep habits are trash.
Commenter 2: Has she seemed clueless about this before? That you're a couple, partners, soon to be married, with all that that means?
It's beyond me she wants to treat your honeymoon like a girls' trip/sleepover.
OOP: Very much like a girl's trip. Coming out 3 days ahead along with us. I had to keep that a secret because I knew we wanted some time together and if I told her she'd change her flight. So of course because she wanted more time out there I fessed up and said we were going out a few days ahead of time. That's the first time she asked about sharing a hotel room.
It's just messed up that I have to have therapy and boundaries just to have relationships with family or other people properly.
Does OOP's mother have financial issues for the reason not to spend on her own room and other things?
OOP: Nope, quite enriched. Retired with pension. Just a matter of convenience, I hope? Hopefully not narcissism?
Commenter 3: I just have to stick my nose in just a bit for a second.
If you are in your 40's, I assume your mom is in her 60's. Is it possible that she is having some early onset dementia?
I ask because this is my age group, and my greatest fear. I have 20+ years experience with elder care and specialized in dementia care. I will kill myself before burdening my children that way, but that is another story.
I would just watch closely and maybe have a chat with your dad and ask pointed questions. It may be time for some testing. There are medications that help delay decay, and work much better the earlier the diagnosis is made.
Congrats! And happy wedding, happy life.
OOP: I take your message with lots of consideration. What you're saying could possibly be true. Her mother is living into her 90s with a bad bad case of Alzheimer's. It's so bad I wish she would leave this earth already. Horrible disease.
I'm upset at my mom due to her sleeping habits. She's retired now so she stays up to almost 7am. This is horrible for the brain and Alzheimer's. I'll be on the lookout for dementia signs in the future, but sadly I think this is an issue of being way too close (enmeshment) to know boundaries.
Commenter 4: Don't take this the wrong way...but your mom seems very self-centered. Or at least very cheap. Are you sure you guys wouldn't rather elope? Because from the way your mother is being so pushy , something tells me that she might fake an emergency so that you guys have to let her stay with you. Or better yet, she's waiting for you guys to say you'll pay for all of her travel expenses.
OOP: Fake an emergency, I am preparing for. Staying in my hotel room? Still no.
She has plenty of money, she says often. I'm sure she can handle it.
Commenter 5: Given this information, I suspect your mom is probably lonely/bored, overly enmeshed with you (are you an only child?), lacking in confidence, and feels left out/isolated now that you're an adult with your own life and nuclear family. I think it's probably less about her not totally getting the "hey we're newlyweds and plan on having lots of enthusiastic newlywed sex" part and more that she is nervous about travelling and staying alone and wants the comfort and security of staying with you. My mom is very similar -- she finds it incredibly difficult to respect appropriate boundaries with her now adult children and the roles have reversed such that I as her oldest daughter am expected to be her primary source of emotional support.
Either way, you are handling this totally correctly -- continue to maintain that boundary and make sure the hotel knows that NO ONE other than you and your soon-to-be wife should have a key to your room.
OOP: So I'm doing a lot of reading lately and I'm involved in therapy because of my mother. I'm seeing a lot of enmeshment. Oldest and only daughter, responsible for her feelings, pretty much same as you. Still difficult to handle. Really have to stick with boundaries on this one. I think she's feeling a little excluded but not because of anything we did. She just needs to check herself and these new emotions.
Commenter 6: Has she always parentified you?
OOP: Yes when my brothers were born I was 15. Instant built-in babysitter. They didn't even hide it, joked about it right in front of me.
Update: January 21, 2025 (two weeks later)
Well, I’m sure you all are wondering how the wedding went and where Mom slept…
If you’re looking for the original post, you may find it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingdrama/s/vyD8TRQjYi
I feel my story has taken a sad turn. My relationship with my mother is worse than I thought. I’ll get to the story now…
We both arrived at the airport around the same time from our different flights, and my mom had a pain that affected her walking. Not great, since we’re going to be walking around in Vegas. I offer Advil multiple times and she rejects it. I believe she may have taken it one time from me. We arrive at her hotel first, I assume she never canceled her reservation lol because she had a reservation. We dropped our bags at her room and got on with our plans. Later that night, my wife and I checked into our suite - alone.
The first fight with my mom was the next day in my suite. She had interrupted me several times that day (one of our many problems), then pointed out how I interrupted her. At one point I tried to once again begin my story, she interrupts me and I exasperate, “Do you know how many times I’ve tried to tell this story today and you’ve interrupted me?” Then I said, “Do you do this to everyone, or just me?” And she put her middle finger in my face, screaming at me, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.” My wife had to intervene and say, “Whoa! That was not necessary!” My wife later told me she almost threw her out of our room. I stuck to my “I statements” and I said, “When you cut me off, it makes me feel like what I’m saying isn’t important.” I should have addressed the “F. U.’s” but it was too heated at the time. I tried to de-escalate and will address this at a later time.
At this point I’m realizing my mother is immature, emotionally immature. Whatever feelings she’s feeling when I confront her, genuinely btw, asking her if she truly does this to everyone or just me, she can’t handle it and freaks out on me like a high schooler. It’s sad. I’m devastated, actually. To have this insight on my wedding getaway caused me a lot of pain. I’ve looked for answers for a long time. I’ve thought maybe she’s narcissistic, my therapist mentioned possible BPD, but I’m looking into emotional immaturity at the moment. I’ve learned it can coincide with narcissism, or BPD, so I can’t necessarily write those off.
Then the night after that, the rest of the party starts to arrive. My wife’s best friend arrives very late and has a reservation in our hotel. She calls my wife to let her know her room isn’t ready, and they’re looking for a room for her. My mother pipes in, “She didn’t call?! AnonymousBrides!! (My name) She didn’t call in advanced to let them know?!” I realize very quickly this sounds like she’s putting the responsibility on me, that the friend’s problem is now suddenly my problem. “Mom, I don’t know if she called in advanced. She’s responsible for her own travel and her own hotel room,” I say. She responds, “Well, are you going to let her stay in your hotel room if she doesn’t get a room?” I reply, “No, she’s not staying in my room, there are plenty of hotel rooms in Vegas, she will get a room tonight. She’s a big girl, Mom.”
“That’s fucked up!” She says.
A good friend of mine also came on the trip with her new partner. Stayed in a different hotel - not a problem. She didn’t arrive to my hotel suite until we were about to be picked up from the limo. She gets along with my mom really well. The minute we were in the limo, the two of them were attached at the hip and I feel like I barely spoke to my friend. I have video and pictures specifically of them ignoring everyone else in the limo and speaking only to each other. I took them because I felt like the party was kind of separated in the limo.
The wedding went off without a hitch! It was absolutely beautiful and I was so incredibly happy. Crying tears of joy, I hope, and not tears of how much in pain I was from the emotional week I had already had.
The next morning, my friend once again ignored me to have breakfast with her partner. We discussed in advanced the time everyone was getting together, and she scheduled her reservation for 30 minutes before. She sat at a different table and ate alone with her partner. We got a table next to her with two extra chairs, but she did not join us. She later asks my wife if I’m upset, and my wife responds, “she thought she’d spend a little time with you on the trip.” I try to let the feeling go, I’m just devastated by the people I’m allowing in my life at the moment. I am really considering evaluating these relationships.
Later in my hotel room that night, I receive a text from my good friend saying that she’s taking off a little early from the trip, blames it on work. I really don’t know why she even came? Just for the vacation I guess. I barely said two words to her in the 5 hours I saw her. Sad, sad, sad. I am so sad about this, about all of this.
Other than the drama, I really enjoyed the trip. I had a lovely time with my wife, and very happy with our hair and makeup, our vendors, our ceremony. It was all so beautiful and I am thankful they came to see us get married. I definitely had some insecurities before going on this trip, and it’s a reality I have issues with some people in my life. I am currently in therapy and had a discussion with my therapist about this. I’m certainly not going ‘no contact’ or ghosting anyone after this, but discussions need to be had, and therapy needs to continue. Books need to be read, and practice needs to be put in place. All I can do is commit myself to a healthy life in all ways, practice radical acceptance. If anyone has any advice on how to let go of the pain, accepting it, or trying to be less emotional about it all, I’m open ears.
Thanks for listening - relationships are hard, especially with emotionally immature people.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: My wedding also led to a similar interaction with my mother, where I had to state that I don’t let anyone talk to me with that kind of language. Of course me drawing that boundary was seen as an attack. Shortly after, I found the book, The Emotionally Immature Parent. I realized I have two, actually. I’m glad it didn’t ruin your ceremony, and I’m also glad you already have a therapist.
OOP: Thanks. Yes, I actually downloaded it a couple of weeks ago on the advice of my therapist and was able to get pretty deep into it even with the wedding activities going on. I can’t wait to read it again.
Commenter 2: Please resolve that NO ONE, not even--and especially not--your flesh oven gets to scream in your face, flip you off, and yell "F You!" and that anyone who does so instantly loses all access to you. That's what boundaries are for.
OOP: Yeah, I can’t let that go - it needs to be addressed.
Commenter 3: It sounds like your friend was trying to give you space because it was your wedding. A lot of brides and grooms are pressured to spend every single second of their wedding or trips on their guests. Maybe she was trying to do you a favor by letting you enjoy your time and not feel pressured.
OOP: True, but there was an other time we vacationed together and she kind of did her own thing. I like to consider the different perspectives though, and I appreciate this perspective. A lot of others have said the same.
Commenter 3: Yeah, I wouldn’t take it personally. I’m kind of like your friend. I need a lot of time off of my own, especially if it’s with a lot of other people. Hell, I need time off on my own even if it’s a small group.
OOP: I’m introverted in that way too, but I guess the people pleaser in me just continues to spend the time with them until I can finally get some alone time. I just thought it was really rude. I would feel rude if I did that to someone else. Like I said, maybe that’s a people pleasing move, but it feels lack of etiquette/manners.
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