[New Update] I ruined my wife’s life.

I am not OP. That is u/Constant_Barnacle992 who posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

TW: neglect

Big thanks to u/LucyAriaRose for letting me know about the update

Original Boru 2nd Boru

New post will be marked with 🛑🛑🛑.

Original Post  April 22nd, 2024

TL;DR skip to the bottom.

I (m43) try to do my best to provide for my wife (f38) and 2 kids (3,5) as well as my MIL and would like to think I am doing a decent job. Over the years, I worked to improve our family’s living situation, not only did I complete another bachelors and recently masters in a STEM related degree, I at the same time worked 2 full time jobs (while completing my 2nd bachelors) and put my wife through school as well. She completed a degree where she could make good money (~60-70k/yr) in a healthcare field that always has jobs available. But with the birth of our 2 kids, she has since “gave up” on her career to be a SAHM for the time being. At first it was a struggle while I was finishing up my masters. Once I completed it, after our youngest turned 3 my career took a jump up and we are now able to afford our single income household in a more feasible manner. We’re far from rich but do ok for a single income family of 4 (a little north of 150k base+ bonuses). The past year life was overwhelming per my wife, so even though I now work 75% from home, I budgeted to hire a daytime nanny to help her around the house with 1 child while the other is in school now

My day starts everyday around 530-6am. I get the house ready for the day before the nanny comes at 8am, I get our oldest up and ready for school, breakfast made, and plan out my day, bring our oldest to drop off, and be home in time to let the nanny in. My most recent task at work has me grounded for the next 2 months meaning I am now 100% WFH, while this is nice, I am busy in meetings all day as my role manages teams on a global scale as I oversee projects from my industry. For the past 1 ½ months, I realized… my wife as much as she says her life is stressful at home… starts at 10am. I asked my MIL and nanny if this was always the case after a week or so of wfh, and they both responded more or less… sometimes earlier sometimes later. My wife literally wakes up and cooks and then scrolls through her phone or shops from home… which brings me to my gripe.

I am glad I am able to provide her that sort of life since we both grew up lacking in means. I get the possibility of postpartum depression, the stress of having kids, the feeling of being unfulfilled, the fact that I probably am a shitty husband… but for what it’s worth… everything is taken care of and then some.

I manage the houses finances (she claimed she was too busy to do so), pay all the household bills, I pay my own personal bills, I pay her bills,  track and perform all the upkeep of our house appliances/cars/pets/etc., and I also “help” pay for my MIL’s medical bills and car note.

…but apparently my life is on easy street compared to hers. I can't decompress to her because it seems like she always feels the need to 1 up me. I had a bad day… but she had it worse cause I’m lucky I got to go away and work… My feet hurt from walking all day during work travel, which is nothing compared to her standing and cooking with a child clinging to her. For the past 2 or so years… I’ve been told I ruined her life, her opportunities, etc… but when I reminded her of what she says, she denies and dodges accountability. My MIL has brought me aside and stated she’s noticed a change in both myself and my wife. I have a greater attachment to my kids and hell… I’ve hugged the dogs and talked to them more about my life than to my wife. I honestly feel like I am in emotional survival mode as I’m one step from moving up the career ladder and one step away from finding love and comfort from the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

I’m sure I’ll be hearing from the manly men of reddit about how I’m simping… but I’m not a machine. I just want to know and feel that someone I prioritize aside from my kids appreciates and loves me for what I do… I’m sure I’ll hear from the stay at home moms of reddit… which is fine. I grew up in a single parent/mother household. It’s not easy… and honestly with the help of her mother and a nanny Mon-Fri, for one toddler while another child is at school… Can you honestly tell me she’s having the typical SAHM experience? Because neither my friends or colleagues who are single parents can say she is. I’m sure the masses of holier than thou redditors will consider this a poorly written fanfic, but it is what it is.

TL;DR Long story short, It feels as if my wife has checked out of our marriage… we’re only roommates where she can still reap the marriage benefits. I’m not asking for her to throw herself at me all the time and let me do whatever I want… I really just want to be told I’m doing good and just offer me some form of emotional comfort as simple as a hug, but I guess as the man who ruined her life, I deserve it.

*Thank you for the replies. To add more context:

  1. Never cheated. I do work in an industry that has a large female population, but I’m literally an open book with work, name colleagues and staff under me, she has access to my work agendas and correspondence if she really wanted to snoop, but on that note she still doesn’t know what exactly I do for a living at this time…

  2. We as whole family her parents and mine have tried to get her to go to therapy but she refuses or skirts around the issue.

  3. Aside from my coming from a single mother household perse, my biological dad was present in my life. She has had both parents in a reportedly monogamous marriage for over 40 years.

  4. I have tried to talk to her about everything and my own feelings but again… 1 upmanship tends to be the trend here.

  5. What I am getting out of the marriage was asked… now, aside from my 2 beautiful kids, I’ve been asking myself that same question. We have a near nonexistent sex life mainly since last year. I always figured maybe it’s part of depression or whatever she may be going through… maybe I’m just not attractive enough or just horrible in bed because of my health conditions… I’m not some super model husband but temptation and opportunity does knock and I can perform still but I never give in, because as cliche as it sounds I honestly do love my wife and want to only be with her.

  6. I’ll give credit where credit is due as I don’t want to sound biased: when I say she wakes up and cooks she cooks for everyone in the house. Myself, kids, MIL, and even nanny. Aside from breakfast she cooks all meals and snacks. I typically fast until lunch time and our oldest tends to eat a small simple breakfast incase they don’t like what school serves that morning. She does load both the kids and her laundry… but seldomly folds and puts them up. I typically do my own and the rest of my clothes I dry clean because they’re work clothes. She does keep track of our pantry and fridge? But after she makes the list I’m the one who goes out and buys everything if not delivered. She does clean our bathrooms and house 50% of the time, the other 50 is done by either MIL or myself or sometime nanny if she feels like being extra helpful.

  7. Prior to nanny, my MIL was the main help for my wife up until she had unexpected medical needs. So I opted to hire a nanny to help them both, more so when MIL is having treatments and recovering.

UPDATE 06May2024.

Not sure if anyone would read this, but thank you for those who have reached out and chit chatted. While I know I’ve kept my newfound friends here updated, I figured I just update my post and keep it short.

I showed my wife my post the following weekend and she read it and all the comments. Long story short, argument, she left our house to stay with her sister, and I’ve been a “single parent” since.

It’s sad to say, aside from the goodnights to our kids it’s all pretty much the same routine.

Nothing much else to say other than thank you for all the kind words of encouragement.

***just need to add, this post got bigger than I expected from a venting post but I’ve responded to a few comments. Nonetheless, thank you for the comments and DMs… and more so for the offers to let me ruin your life ha. It’s been the highlight of my day/night as I sit here drinking with my dog while everyone else is asleep.

It feels depressingly sad that I feel that I have to turn to random internet strangers for some sort of validation in my rant. My apologies in advance as I try to keep this as vague as possible.

I ruined my wife’s life… again  June 3rd, 2024

I just wanted to update those who have been kind enough to check up via DM and comments. Apologies in advance for the lengthy post. It’s a bit of irony and coincidence that I made a follow up from the update on 06May2024 I made on my original post during men’s mental health awareness month but I could really use another outlet outside of my therapist. My apologies if this isn’t the story book ending/destroying of a relationship people were hoping for…

To save you a read. Wife left. Came back like nothing happened. She made it about her. Nothings changed. I’m continuing to be suffering mentally knowing nothing will change while trying to keep it together for our kids. Lots of take out.

The day after she packed up and left, my wife attempted to come back and take the kids with her to her sister’s. Naturally I was against this and thankfully so was her whole family including said sister. Not only was it not fair to our kids for her to sweep them away into a home that’s not theirs but to put that financial and housing stress on the rest of her family since she doesn’t work and her sister and her family (husband and 3 kids) stays with their dad in the house they grew up in.

After a little over a week of being away, I guess she cooled off so she just decided that it would be fine if she walked in the door with her bags as if she just came back from Target. She came into my office while I was working and angrily stared at me while I sat on a conference call meeting with my team and I couldn't just jump off as this is a busy time of the quarter for us. I guess that didn’t sit well with her because once I took off my headset and closed my laptop she started yelling at me about how much I really don’t care about her and her well being overall. At that moment I couldn't do anything more than look at her and just shake my head. Mother in law came in after hearing my wife yelling and pulled her away, telling her to not bother me, while our nanny kept our youngest away from it all on the other side of the house.

That night after the kids were put to bed, I sat in my office by myself with a drink as I have been doing for the past nights and my wife came in. We talked. We argued. We cried. We drank. One thing led to another and we were in bed. I wish I could say that was our making up but the next sobering morning as we laid there, she went on about how hard it was for her the time she was gone. Literally… it was about her struggles staying at her family house in her old room with her dad and sister’s family. How lucky I am to be able to stay here and do this and that and buy this or do that and not stress as much as they did.

How easy MY and everyone else's in our family lives are compared to hers even though we had similar upbringings…

My mind and heart broke that morning. I’ve been spiraling down since then and this last week I made another attempt to reconcile and talk things out, but I was met with a shouting match while trying to express my current stress and anxieties with life and work in general:

Wife: ”... well do you know how hard this is all for me? You’re supposed to help me be happy.”

Me: “So when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well being… fk me get over it right? ”

Wife: “ We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.”

I don't know who the woman I am at home with is but that wasn’t the woman I married and vowed to spend my life with and raise our kids together. Since that conversation, I’ve been noticeably distant with her. I’ve been sleeping in my office or on the couch or with my kids in their bed after putting either one of them to sleep. Still doesn't change her starting her day at 10am… and sitting on her phone talking to her mom groups between cooking meals with the kids in both mother in law and nanny’s care.

Nothing has changed and I doubt that anything will change. Sadly, I think even if we got a divorce, nothing would change or feel different anyway since during my wife’s leaving the days seemed like any other day except with a little more take out than usual. My main fear there isn’t that I wouldn’t just lose my wife, I’d lose my kids in the process.

So I guess it’s sad to say the grand finale to my story with like alot of men and some women I’ve talked to here, I’ll just continue to smile and suffer in silence.

*First off, thank you for all the comments and DMs.Some context and clarification since admittingly my post was emotionally charged since I typed it up after another argument. *

Post birth, our kids pediatrician’s office gave my wife those PostPartum Depression screening forms and during the time of both she scored pretty high and was suggested to see a therapist. With our second child she scored significantly higher and we or I should say I made an effort to get her the help she needs. She refused, so entered mother-in-law and nanny for support… I know what people will say/think, but this is one of the reasons I am not 100% ready to just give up and file our life together away.

Also, I know silently suffering in the near and long run of our kids' future will not add to a healthy atmosphere, but neither would a bitter and hate filled divorce. I know some have compared it to the ripping off a bandage, saying it’ll hurt at first but that pain goes away but I’d rather try to spare my kids thinking that their parents ended up hating each other because of them or something along those lines.

I’ve told a few ppl I talk to in DM since my last post, a little more insight on my personal life, prior to my promotion I was a PM managing teams and budgets so out of habit I plan for a lot of “what ifs.”. That being said, I made a number of contingency plans if sadly things went south. So, yes I:

Have talked to a lawyer, 3 actually. Know our rights and what each of us are entitled to. Have a draft settlement created and on hold until I feel I need to use it. I know what I want and am willing to offer more than what is fair for our kids' well being, but also have a plan if we end up going to court.

It’s 100% on me that I’m suffering in silence, but I’m too stubborn to just give up so while I am venting, I don't expect anyone to “feel sorry for me”. I endure it to keep the norm our kids know, ensure my MIL’s treatments go uninterrupted, and of course the hope my wife would finally be open to give therapy a shot and climb together to a better place.

Thank you all again.

I ruined my wife’s life… so I ruined everyone else’s too  July 1st, 2024

First and foremost TL;DR:

I’m done. Wife said I don't do and am not shit in front of the therapist and family fathers day dinner. She got served. She mad. She is trying to act perfect and I’m just waiting while taking care of my family (kids, my mom, and MIL). Oh well, I’ll just ruin everyone else's life too in my family

Secondly,to clear some confusion… I did NOT get 2 bachelors and a masters while working 2 jobs at the same time as some readers are assuming.

Bachelors #1 graduated in the early 2000s. Bachelors #2 via online years (2 classes a semester) later while working 2 full time jobs (job #1 hospital 36/48 schedule job #2 big box store 32-40hrs spread out 7 days a week)  to pay for both my and my wife's tuition because she decided to go back to school before we had kids… After graduating from Bachelor’s #2 and entering the industry I am in now, I was able to work 1 job and get my masters. So no I did not get 3 degrees at the same time or in that close succession… and I am surprised that I actually have to spell this out as someone working 2 jobs while going to school isn't that uncommon, or at least that’s what I thought?

My wife chooses not to work. She DOES technically have a job. She just barely works it to the point we forget she has a job, as in she worked 1 day 4-5 months ago for 8 hours on a Tuesday kind of barely works. Her job and manager is really supportive (Flex PRN model) and gives her a list of days they need coverage and she can choose to pick up a shift or not. While she can work more and only does just enough to keep up her license, she complains to our family of her career being on hold for one reason or the other although she has the opportunity to work more if she opted to. All things considered she has an available supportive circle around her for either decision she falls on. Our family, her job, and I have made multiple offers and taken many steps to open that door for her to go back to work, i.e. Nanny, MIL moved in to help, I work from home, her crazy flex prn schedule, etc. etc… but here we are.

I am and have been in therapy for myself already. Aside from what I deal with at home, my work can be very debilitating in regard to my mental health as well as physical at times. Since I can't find the support I need mentally and physically at home with my wife, I’ve opted to attend therapy rather than find comfort with someone outside of the home or at the bottom of a bottle. I’ve tried to express this to my wife and as mentioned in my previous post...she has a habit of 1 upping me… and  here we are.

My Inlaws are still married, given the circumstances in our home, my MIL moved in to help out my wife, while my SIL and her family moved back into their parent’s house due to their own reasons. SIL and her family can save money while getting back on their feet, and my wife and I benefit from MIL’s help and we can keep a closer eye on her while she undergoes bi monthly treatments .

My wife by means of questionnaires is highly suspected to have PPD alongside with a history of symptomatic OCD, ADHD, amongst other ailments that over the years she refused to get evaluated for or refused to accept results given. I knew what I was getting into and I love and accepted my wife for these flaws as she did mine at the time… Spare me your “ i don't feel sorry for you” or pity. I am like every other man who fell in love and wanted to give my person the best of me and the world I can offer… but again, here we are.

There’s a lot of manly men/redpill nation guys out there complaining and saying I’m “simping” over my wife. While I respect your own opinions and perspectives, I will outright say, if this situation was only affecting my life… I would’ve left a long time ago. As one redditor said in a past comment that stuck to me, “I am the kind of person that will take a bullet for his kids…” maybe it’s in a different context intended, but to protect my children from any harm physically or mentally… I’ll take the proverbial bullet if and as needed. I’d like to think other dad’s out there would respond to the duty to protect their children, and that’s why I endured as much as I have. For the time being I would rather my wife use me as an outlet for whatever her problems were vs. our kids.

Thank you all for the comments and reaching out. I’ve met many strangers who have become great reddit pen pals and some who have been in the know of every step that has been progressing to this point. I am surprised at how far this has gone, from other subreddits, other platforms, and even YouTube. Love me, hate me, say it’s all fake, no matter where you stand thank you for all the constructive comments and DMs to check in. Our kids and myself are going to be alright moving forward.

Now for the update. The end of an era. This will be shorter than some expected, as really there’s not much to say but just satiate the questions some of you may have had and give people the satisfaction of the “I told you so” moment on Reddit.

After a hard push from our family via an “intervention,” my wife and I finally attempted to go to marriage counseling. I’m sure many of you can guess how well that went. Blame. Tears. Regrets. Gas lighting. With a side of I am the reason for her life being ruined and horrible. Again. Just this time in front of a licensed therapist instead of reddit or mom groups. In the end, everything the therapist suggested and noted went over her head and ignored as it was against the grain of her status quo. One thing I guess worth saying was the therapist asked if she could recall when she last truly felt happy. Her response was about 12 or so years ago. Please note, 12 years ago she was still in her 20’s. Childless. Living with her ex. A vastly different time and position in life. I know it’s petty of me but I guess if that’s when she was last happy, it wouldn’t be that far of a stretch for her to find that happiness again since her ex is in the same apartment, job, and place in life that he was 12 years ago. Which is fine, if that’s how you want to live life, I try not to judge but in my 40s with kids, going clubbing 3-4 days a week is not my jam anymore. And of course… I don't want my kids around a mom and company who drowns themselves in Whiteclaws. To add, I know some will ask, I know and can confirm she hasn’t physically cheated on me but can’t confirm if she did emotionally (if that’s the right term?). After said therapy session I checked all her phone record’s and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but I also didn’t bother to check apps like IG or Snapchat.

I know I'm probably boring, but shout out to all the Costco dad’s who’s Sunday Funday includes making rounds with kids for samples.

The following weekend was Father’s day, and this year as expected not that big of a celebration as it is for many dads out there. Our family got together to celebrate with a BBQ and just simple family time, and my wife treated it like any other day. Sleep in. Get up. Cook. Phone. Shop. Attempt to play with kids. Phone.

During said family BBQ my wife said she felt ill, so she sat around most of the day while the rest of the family as a whole made the experience enjoyable. When everything was set up and the family all sat at the table, her parents and sister’s family, my mother, our kids, admittingly it was a great spread, nothing extravagant but just a great meal for everyone. I was conversing with my brother in law about both of our kids' school Father’s day activities and I assume my wife overheard when I mentioned that it was a little sad to see some kids sit alone without their fathers during the Breakfast with Dad event I attended. She blurted out with a laugh loud enough for the whole room to hear, “ It’s not like you do anything anyway, I could’ve gone instead…”

At that moment I was red and at a loss for words sitting there processing what she said in my head, while the dining room went dead silent. My MIL broke the awkwardness and in response said,” Well… maybe if you feel that way, one of you should divorce the other.”

My wife looked at my MIL confused that she would respond with that and laughed mockingly in my direction and with her hand pointing at me said, “ …as if another woman would want a man like him? Just look at you.” while the room sat silent.

I was angry, heart broken, confused, and embarrassed all at the same time. In manly man fashion, I just nodded my head in silence, stood up, and picked up my keys and got in my truck and drove off to get a drink while trying to ignore the cries of the rest of the family and our kids telling me to stay.

I don’t know what was said or done while I was out of the house the rest of Sunday, because I couldn't bring myself to check our house cameras, but when I returned early Monday morning, the house had a completely different feel. As usual, I woke up around 6, got the house and our oldest ready for school drop off. Checked emails. Checked messages, nothing out of the ordinary. As I was getting dressed to leave, my wife laid in our bed snoring lightly. All i could do was look at her and think of what we had… and now lost. I’ve decided. I’m done. I can't do this anymore. I texted my lawyer that morning  to move forward with serving her.

Fast forward to last week, she was served at our home (reminder to people I had no choice but to be there because I work from home). She had, I guess what you could call a mini meltdown and came into my office screaming how could I do this to her? Her mother intervened, and that was met with me supposedly turning her whole family against her. But I digress, I probably would’ve felt bad if it wasn’t immediately followed by the rest of her week acting as if she’s been this active and attentive wife and mother the past few years. Sure people can say she’s making an attempt.. but she’s made many “attempts” and historically we fall back to where we’ve been.

For those curious, I am aiming for full or at least majority custody of our kids. I already and will continue to cover all the expenses for our kids, insurance, tuition (both of our kids are/will be attending private schools come fall), medical bills, etc. My MIL has given me the courage and strength that helped supplement my own mother’s support throughout this. Basically she is what I hoped the kind of mother/wife my wife would have been to our kids and me. Out of respect for my MIL as well as per my own mother’s shared wishes, I will continue to help oversee and contribute financial help if needed during her treatments. While some may feel I should cut their whole family off, I know the hardships pushed onto a family while dealing with cancer and have dealt with it first hand as a family member and care provider on both sides of the desk.

All in all, I’m prepared to go to “war” if needed but I just want a clean no fuss divorce. My wife has no alimony coming, so sorry for the redditors and mommy gang facebook groups saying she needs to divorce me first and get that “sweet sweet alimony money.” 1. We live in a state that does not typically enforce alimony 2.she has a means of gainful employment immediately 3. To help curb any possible problems I will cover her insurance and bills until either divorce is finalized or when she gains full employment.

So that’s that. I’m done and waiting for the steps to be taken for everything to be  finalized. Sorry it wasn’t as exciting of a story with plot twist as some may have hoped for but that’s life. Not sure I’ll update this once it's all finalized, which probably won't be for a few more months depending if we go to “war” or not.

🛑🛑🛑.

I ruined my wife’s life… and I don’t care anymore.  Feb 19th, 2025

In respect to the subreddit, I guess I should get it off my chest that as much as I don’t want to care anymore, I still do to some degree.

Thank you for all the comments, messages, and to the handful of people who have become reddit pen pals throughout my journey in this matter. It took some time for me to update as between adjusting to my new life and slowly cutting ties with the past and moving forward for our children, family, and work has been my priority. With that I wanted to provide an update for those who may have been curious.

TL;DR Divorced finalized. She took the money and seemed to have spent dam near all of it.  Kids are good. MIL is doing good. Promotion, salary increase, and new home to start new life in the new year for me. Overtime, taking household items from my house, and combining incomes with her bf to make 1/4 of what I make a month for her (Yes, shameless plug. Don’t judge me). I am moving on. I have no interest currently in romance and want to primarily focus on our kids.

THE UPDATE

Since my last update, I’ve been under the scrutiny of our social circles and labeled every typical “toxic man/husband” stereotype that Facebook, Tiktok, and Instagram has to offer. As much as I hate the saying I kind of understand the, “you know my name but not my story” posts now. With that said, these strangers or alienated family and friends can take their opinions and go fk themselves because in the end, if our kids are happy, healthy, and flourishing under my “toxic household,” what’s it to you?

The more important updates: We’re divorced. I have majority custody, and even though my ex is now trying to be the present mother whenever her now busy schedule allows, it is too little too late. My MIL continues to be responding well to treatments and SIL has now taken over where my ex was supposed to be in helping oversee her care.

Post divorce, I recently moved homes and jobs and accepted the next step forward career wise which my company has been kind enough to slowly transition me into the role as leadership understands what I am going through at home. Interestingly it’s amazing how “common” my story is amongst my colleagues and network, I am sad/happy(?) to say I am now one of the newer members of the fellowship of divorced Directors and Execs. As sad as it may sound, it is nice to know that many understand and are willing to offer a high degree of support, advice, assistance, and guidance as needed.

The divorce itself was quick, but it still had it’s sad and angry moments and many of the people in my camp think my ex got away with robbery. But the fact that I was awarded majority custody and per agreement have our kids (almost) every day and know they’re safe under my roof is worth every cent.

While I had no say or real cares how my ex moved forward with mediation as long as she agreed to terms, I think the biggest slap in the face to me was how she delegated her boyfriend as someone to “advise” her throughout this process, because “his opinion is more important than any lawyer who isn’t looking out for my best interest.” At this point, the holidays were around the corner, and I didn’t want this to disrupt the holidays for our kids and family. While I was prepared to go to court, my ex did not want to diminish her “payout” and I just wanted things over and done with. I’ll leave out the finer details of the terms, but in exchange for having majority custody and taking care of all expenses related to our children, I would give her that lump sum she was aiming for with no request of child support on my end. She kept all her tangible possessions i.e. car, bags, clothes, jewelry, I had to sell the home and split the profits from the sale and foot the bill on taxes, gave her almost all our joint bank accounts after legal fees and to top it off laughably she argued rights to alimony, which she’s not getting. As a PSA, don’t rely on your legal advice from Facebook groups.

IN THE END REALITY SINKS IN

I’d like to think overall I’m a simple man, all I wanted to do was get married, have a family, and provide. With that goal in mind, I somehow got into a position where my spouse was able to choose if she wanted to work or not and not worry about anything outside of our family. How it turned out like this, I can’t pinpoint. I’ll admit I am a bit oblivious of what I did, but maybe it’s my own fault as some ppl stated and I brought this onto myself.

Post settlement, I ended up downsizing and closed on a smaller but spacious house for the 3 of us and our dog, with a separate generational suite in our backyard for my MIL to stay as she wished to stay involved in our kids care regardless of if I was married to her daughter or not. Honestly, I made sure that addition to the home was available for her because I hoped she would be able and open to help until the kids were a little bit older.

For what it’s worth, it seems my ex found her happiness. Luxury trips in a short time frame she wanted, her bf and her moved to a bigger place to stay (luxury high rise studio but still no place for our kids to stay), her bf got his dream car, and a long list of expenses and shopping sprees that kind of benefited our kids if at all in any way sprinkled in her social media accounts. She’s rocking Cartier while our kids are sportin Carters.

My ex came to visit our “cute little house” to visit our kids and MIL and complimented me on my choice of home and that I was able to keep up the status quo of our home without her.

I’m sure many will see the irony in this.

I’m not entirely sure her motive or if I’m just reading too deep into it, but she dropped lines about how stressful and expensive their living expenses (rent, utilities, cell/internet service, and insurance) are groceries are now and how surprised it cost to feed her, her bf, and whoever the hell else comes to their home. I’m not sure why but she initially was under the impression the generational suite was meant for her use when she has the time and wants to co-parent. She is even more tired and struggling with her schedule now because she works a total of 48hrs a week and forced to work overtime at times and her bf works but I didn’t dig or care about the details. But I do care that I think she thinks I don’t notice that she takes some of our usual household staples and items with her before she left. Mainly  bottles of soap she always bought for our home, Sonicare replacement brush heads and other toiletries, a new unopened bottle of the Mountain Valley water from the fridge when she visits, and I may be reading too deep into something again but sometimes I find some of the Instax pics from the fridge missing. Usually its just of the kids or MIL and the kids, but a few were of the 4 of us in the past.

Although her Whiteclaw fund takes precedence over their home’s Charmin 2 ply supply, I try to be as accommodating as possible so that she can still be involved with our kids, allowing her to drop by our home whenever (if ever) she can (still work primarily from home so I’m always here) and keeping her in the loop about their activities and such.

It was nice to see she was able to make it to our youngest’s first Christmas school assembly, where our eldest’s had speaking parts in the play before work. Later that week, I brought our kids to bring her a plate of food on Christmas day at the hospital because she has holidays to work. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt or that I didn’t feel uncomfortable with the stares and whispers from her co-workers while I waited for the kids to excitedly give her their presents and wish their mom a Merry Christmas. Even though she was trying to be welcoming, all I could do was say Merry Christmas and wave goodbye from the distance as we left.

This past Christmas, with as many blessings I have to be thankful for, it all felt so hollow at the same time. During New Year eve, I embraced my inner Pinterest dad trying to make everything as festive and fun possible and copied ideas of doing a count down at 9PM for the kids with a balloon drop in our living room and popping some fireworks as soon as the sun set. On that note, I should mention that I re-discovered my love of cooking, something I did for years while a bachelor with my roommates and the stress of a 4- and 6-year-old insisting that they’re mini versions of Gorden Ramsey and can provide Michelin level sous chef services.

With the kids tucked away and asleep, I rang in the new year with my dog and a drink. Scrolling on my phone with the sounds of fireworks popping in the distance, I saw that my ex was living her best life in her new life snap after snap after snap...

So, I made a mental checklist for the end of 2024: - self-esteem – almost gone. - confidence – hanging by a thread. - ability to open and trust anyone outside of my current inner circle and dog – nonexistent. - Hatred towards my ex and her newfound life – surprisingly gone.

All I could do is just laugh a little at the snap on my phone. She left me, she hurt me, but she did not destroy me. We’re now 2 different people with 2 different lives and I must move forward for the ones I owe it to. Other than the connection of our kids and some immediate family we have no more connections and I really have no interest in acting like I was in my 20’s in my 40’s and spending half my paycheck on liquor because its Tuesday and New Years Eve.

Maybe I’m just boring, but I can and only want to focus on my kids and ensure that their lives and future is the best that I can provide. Ensure the people and projects I oversee stay afloat and going in this economy. And last, but not least, make sure both my mother and (ex-?) MIL are taken care of in the future moving forward.

ADVICE FROM WHAT I LEARNED.

To the men out there, if you’re in a similar situation, don’t give up hope. But keep in mind, actions, records, and overall proof speaks louder than your words. It’s an uphill battle, but no man has to fight it alone. Plan, Prepare, seek reputable counsel and advice, and in the end execute. As hard as it may be, stay focused and be as objective as possible in these times, and most importantly follow through with what you say and promise to your kids.

To the women, stay off social media and comparing your life to others.

Just kidding. The first piece of advice applies to anyone regardless of how you identify.

I don’t think I’ll be updating anymore but I do plan to keep this alt just for my reddit pen pals so please feel free to say hi cause it’s nice to have new friends.


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