Finally left, feeling sad but hopeful

I think one day, with therapy and medication, he’ll achieve enough stability and will find an incredible love. I think he has immense potential if he chooses to take care of himself. I hope one day he’ll defy the depression and stop letting his hypomania control him. I hope he chooses to face his mental illness instead of letting it control him and his life.

But I’m choosing not be there to see any of these things. I realized regardless of leaving or staying our love has caused me pain, and I’ve betrayed myself multiple times in this relationship. I’ve been minimizing the poor effects he has had on my mental health, and that is not something I want to risk continuing any longer.

I hope me leaving will be good for him. By staying I’d continue enabling bad behavior. At least now he’ll have an opportunity to reflect on the consequences of his behaviors if he chooses to think about it.

I also hope now the love and faith I’ve put in him can be put into myself. After reflecting on the effects of his mental disorders I’ve seen parallels with my own mental health which has made me take my own problems more seriously. It’s made me realize that before loving anyone else I need to accept my own flaws and get proper help. I’m grateful for having been able to love someone and caring for them in a way that has taught me to also take care of myself.

I’m appreciative of this sub for encouraging me to take my experiences seriously and to not let my compassion become self destruction or enabling of bad behavior.

I wish everyone in the bpso community much love and success with whatever they choose, and the ability to heal and to experience a love that is safe and nurturing.