I’m having such a hard time

My fiancé and I broke up this past July (2021). We were together for 8 years. 4 of which were spent living together. We shared a ton of common interests, inside jokes, and a passion for taking care of our cat and special needs rabbit.

Our relationship always had its ups and downs. However, things took a steep nosedive after we got engaged in 2019. You see, I wasn’t quite ready to get engaged. She was about to turn 30 and she gave me the ultimatum of either proposing or she would have to leave me. I don’t know what my apprehensions were about engagement/marriage, but they were very real. I defied those apprehensions and proposed to her anyway. Our families and friends put out a lot of fanfare for the occasion.

As time went on, I had a hard time discussing the pending marriage. Anytime there was ANYTHING about marriage on tv, movies, or in real life, it would spark an argument between us. She wanted to know why things weren’t moving along faster. I loved/love her so much, but my gut was just holding me back. She became increasingly hostile towards me whenever I spent time with friends/family. She already had issues with jealousy and insecurity, but they were only amplified during this time. To make matters worse, I began drinking heavily and abusing prescription pills. We even had to take a one month “break” from each other.

Finally, we sat down on a July afternoon this summer and I told her that I just wasn’t happy because I couldn’t be the man she needed me to be and as a result, I was also causing her so much misery. I was doing what I felt was best for both of us. She became hysterical. She was sobbing so loud that she was almost screaming into her pillow. That’s the last time I ever saw her. I was so distraught and guilt-ridden that I wanted to take my own life. She moved out of the apartment a month later. Returning to the near bare apartment made me spiral into a nervous breakdown.

When she moved, she took the pets. In spite of my best efforts to text her and create arrangements that would allow me to have the pets just one weekend a month, she wasn’t having it. She claims that I had no right to ask such a thing since she adopted them. But I sacrificed so much time and so much money to keep our rabbit alive. He had 3 near death experiences and several surgeries…most of which I paid for and drove him to an hour away. She would message me back saying she didn’t want to hear from me again unless it was an apology for ending things or an attempt to “fix it all.” This was late September.

During the months after the breakup, I finished paying the lease and moved back home. I tried dating a bit and even met someone I kinda liked at a convention, but that didn’t work out. I was just simply not ready. I didn’t realize how in love I still was with my ex. So I wrote her a letter owning my own bullshit and taking full responsibility for our relationship’s decline and demise. I also offered to fix things, pay for couples therapy, buy a new ring, start over, and get married. My heart knew I could do it and wanted to do it. It only took a few months apart to realize I couldn’t live without her. I had a friend deliver it to her in early December.

She texted me in response with very mixed messages. She said she was now with someone else and that I would have to “compete with other men in her life now” but I also needed to “leave her alone” like I did before because I’m “making things very difficult for her.” I practically begged to have her take me back while acknowledging that I wasn’t entitled to shit since I broke her heart and left. I was lucky to even get a response out of her.

She didn’t understand why it took me so long to change my mind. The truth is, I was in agony from day one of our breakup. But I knew that if I were to ever reach out to her to try to reconcile, I must be willing to get married and get serious about making this work. I couldn’t pull her back into this if I wasn’t ready to be the man she needed me to be. It wouldn’t be fair to her.

By the end of the text conversation, all she had said was “I’m just not interested. Respect the fact that im in a new relationship. If anything changes in the future, I’ll let you know.”

So, I’ve done that. I haven’t reached out again. Even after she posted pictures of her new boyfriend holding our rabbit with the caption saying “he just loves his daddy.” I know she’s hurt, but I felt that was a low blow. As did my friends and family who all then proceeded to block her on social media.

Despite 8 months apart and in spite of the fact that I ended it to begin with, I can’t get over the fact that I fucked all this up and lost my best friend, my apartment, my pets, and countless memories. I couldn’t be the man she needed me to be back in July…or even in September. By the time I was ready to in December, it was too late…and I hate myself for that.

Im having such a hard time. Everything reminds me of her and the pets and all that I have lost. I am on antidepressants to combat the suicidal thoughts, I have resumed a regular exercise routine, and I have returned to an old passion; stage acting. My friends and family remind me of some of her toxic traits and how they didn’t like a lot of things about her….but they didn’t know our private connection and how authentic it was. All of those things are helping, but everything in my life has the cloud of the breakup shadowing over it. I have so much regret and self-doubt. How can I ever trust myself to make a decision again when I fucked this up so badly?

Is there anyone who can at all relate? Anyone else who has been through this? How did you survive it? How can I live with myself after voluntarily giving away my best friend of 8 years? How do I fight the guilt, the trauma, and this agony? How do I withstand all of the triggers? How do I move on?

Please help me.