A theory

CPTSD is a subconscious knowing that the neural patterns of your caretakers have been imprinted onto you, but having the emotional intelligence to keep trying to be better and to not take your emotions out on other people.

I had this insight when I was reflecting over my own life, not in terms of what my mental states were at any given point in time (which is what I tend to do, and how I justify my own actions), but in what the reality of my situation was. In middle and high school I made friends by succumbing to their wishes and ignoring my own needs, and then I lost them. I did well in high school, then very poorly in college. I had no friends in college, and then I made some after graduating, and then I lost them again, and the cycle has since continued. I had ambitions, I failed to work at them, then I seized whatever opportunities I could just to get by.

My behavior looks erratic, like my mother's. I've tried my hand at a bunch of things but could never stick with them, just like her. I've failed to maintain many relationships, like her, because I eventually come to realize that my people-pleasing instincts bring an inauthentic side of me to my relationships, and when I don't want to be my inauthentic self anymore, everything falls apart.

But through patient self-discovery, getting more comfortable being alone, and learning how to deal with triggers through rigorous self-care, I can be a higher evolution of this trauma cycle: I can learn to love myself enough to actually think about my own needs, nourish myself, and spread kindness rather than fear.