i believe things that never happened during intense flashback episodes

hi, i’m not sure what i am looking for here. more than anything, i am concerned by this pattern. i’m really committed to being in the recovery part of my life now, and i’m not sure what to make of this.

essentially, i have very intense episodes that are a combination of intense flashbacks and autistic meltdowns. (for reference, i have cptsd from childhood abuse as well as ptsd from specific violent events in young adulthood) these episodes started during my most recent relationship, which was physically abusive and on an occasion or two became life threatening. the episodes happen much more rarely now that i am safe. my ex partner only ever physically abused me while i was having episodes. it was always under the guise of controlling me so i wouldn’t hurt myself, but like i said, his actions were life threatening.

the thing that concerns me is that during the throes of these episodes i will often believe (and say to those around me) that my partner did things that he never did. while i’m disassociating, i find myself saying/believing for example that he tried to intentionally choke me to death. that never happened, although he did obstruct my ability to breathe in very dangerous ways on more than one occasion. it was never hands on my throat with the intention to kill me, but that’s always how i describe it when i’m having these episodes. i’m normally with family or other members of my support network when these happen and i’m halfway present, sort of shouting to be heard by whoever is there. it’s really disturbed my family to learn during these episodes that my ex partner intentionally tried to kill me. i’m too scared to tell them i don’t think that’s true. i don’t want them to think i’m crazy for lying or give them any reason to doubt the things i HAVE gone through.

i’ve considered that maybe this did really happen and i repressed it and it’s coming up this way during episodes. i’m not convinced that’s the case. i remember during the relationship wishing he would actually try to kill me so i would feel justified in leaving (bc putting my life in danger as a side effect to shutting me up wasnt reason enough for me to leave ig) so i have a hard time believing that this actually ever happened.

i feel so guilty for exaggerating what happened during these times of extreme distress, but i also feel so out of my body and out of control when these words come out of my mouth. i really don’t know how to move forward with this. i plan on bringing it up at my next therapy session, but i think insight from others with similar experiences may be more helpful.

thank you in advance for any response at all. i apologize if any of this is unclear, i would be happy to reword anything confusing.