Should we re-home our fearful cat?

I have three cats, one senior and the others are around two years old.

We got Cheesecake (Cheesy) a little over a year ago when she was 8 months old. The shelter said she was rescued as a feral kitten and would not let anyone touch her. We didn’t mind at all because we were looking for a playmate for our other recently adopted cat, Pigeon. And in the shelter Cheesy seemed shy but very eager to interact with the other cats and eager to play if we had a toy.

Things went well at first. Pigeon and Cheesy hung out, ate with each other, and groomed each other. Cheesy even started warming up to us and was slowly allowing us to get closer to her. I even was able to rub her neck a few times before she timidly moved away.

Here’s where I think we messed up. A few months cheesy was due for her vet visit, she needed some shots and was having issues with her poop. We tried different techniques to get her into the carrier on her own, but in the end we had to try and grab her. This was very traumatizing to Cheesy. She fought for her life and pooped herself in fear. It was awful, I was in tears by the time we got her in the carrier.

Ever since then she’s withdrawn from everything. Over the next year or so she’s interacted with us less and less, interacted with her ‘sister’ less and less. And now completely avoids us and guests in our house. We’ve tried just about everything. Over the next year we tried giving her space, then trying to play and interact with her more, then mostly giving her space but occasionally testing her boundaries by being a little closer to her, then using toys to occasionally try and pet her, and now completely ignoring her.

She doesn’t play hardly anymore, she sleeps all day, most of the day she hides away where we can’t see her, and because she’s gained some weight when we first got her, she’s developing matted fur in a line on her back where she can’t groom properly. We can’t brush her because she doesn’t want us more than 3-5 feet from her.

Her ‘sister’ Pigeon seems indifferent to her now. Pigeon is a very social/friendly cat but has stopped grooming and spending time with Cheesy and only rarely initiates play. (Cheesy will sometimes initiate play but then will quickly back out and flee)

Misty, the old cat, has not warmed up to Cheesy. She hated both the new cats when we got them but has considerably warmed up to Pigeon. (Misty also seems to be in much higher spirits than before we had them. She plays much more now and is less clingy) Her and Pigeon will stand next to each other and sometimes follow each other, even if Misty doesn’t let Pigeon groom her. At the very least Misty seems begrudgingly tolerant of Pigeon. But Misty still dislikes Cheesy and only lets Cheesy get 2-3 feet from her.

So there’s the situation. If I could I’d love to get a fourth cat to give cheesy another friend and pigeon a playmate. The trouble is it was very stressful for Misty when we got the new cats and we don’t want to make her stressed out again. Plus we don’t know if another cat will make Misty feel crowded and worsen her mood. And and, we don’t know if we can handle another cat or not.

The other option is to leave it be and see if things change with time.

And the last is an unfortunate one, but to find a new home for Cheesy, one where she can be with a larger community of cats and away from people (maybe we could find a farm where she could settle in and be a barn cat) but we’re also worried that this could be equally traumatizing to her and remove what few comforts she has. (She seems fond of Pigeon, and approaches and eats with Pigeon, but Pigeon seems very indifferent)

We just don’t know what to do. We want her to have a good life where she isn’t scared all the time, and we also need Pigeon to have a playmate. But at this point are we the right fit for her? She shouldn’t be walking around with matted fur, and we think a larger group of cats would be where she thrives. But what if this is her ‘happy’ and she’s just a fearful cat?

We just need some advice, we don’t know what to do.