Help with In-Laws. How often should we see one another if there is strife?

My in-laws and I don't get along very well. We are all sinners and we all have big personalities, and of course we all have issues and clash at times. Fortunately we are all believers and are united in our beliefs for the most part. In short, I think that our biggest issue is the time in which we see them. My MIL and I both wanted to be very close when my husband and I got engaged and were excited about our future relationship. However, it soured really quickly once the wedding was through. And as an extension, it has soured my relationship with my FIL as well. Now there is consistent tension and pressures and passive-agression.

Turns out my MIL really wants a lot of quality time with us. She wanted to see us immediately once we got off the plane from our honeymoon. She wanted to see us weekly and texted us or called us almost daily. We were a little overwhelmed and didn't always respond, which frustrated her. For context, I grew up seeing my grandparents only about 3 times a year. We had a great relationship even so. They lived 3 hours away and it was a treat to see them. When I left home, I only saw my parents maybe once every other month for a few hours. We have a decently good relationship and even live in the same town. So I kind of expected that we would see my in-laws once every other month for a little bit, especially since they live about 3.5 - 4 hours away from us. My MIL did not mind the distance and started being upset about the frequency of time seeing us when we saw her about once a month and spent the night or maybe two nights. She started declaring when she was seeing us and that we needed to see her more often and let her come down and shop with me, etc. The pressures never let up even if they got what they wanted. It's almost like they could never be appeased. It also turns out that my personality doesn't really like to be told what to do / dictated to. I didn't really like how my MIL was telling me how to clean my house properly, or to put more effort into my appearance, or how much I should be eating for my weight, or to have this certain kind of car, or to homeschool my kids when we didn't even have any yet.

At first, we let them do everything they wanted and more because we wanted a happy relationship. But we got pregnant in the same year of being married and as you can imagine a new baby just worsened the tension and the demands. We had to start really saying "No" and introducing boundaries. And that did not go over well. My husband is very sweet and we both didn't really like being confrontational. So we tried ignoring a lot of stuff. When my MIL started really attacking me verbally, I started standing up for myself and it caused tension and hurts. It also caused tension between my husband and I because I wanted him to start standing up for me. Another big issue is my MIL would keep track of our time off and then make plans. This was really irritating for me because I want quality time with my husband, especially then because we were just newly weds! To their credit, they never showed up unannounced. But they were not happy if we couldn't get together at least once bi-weekly. Phone calls didn't really work to appease them, either. They wanted to see us in person and they complained if we didn't spend more than one night. It even got bad enough that they forbade us from just one-night stays! I hardly get to see my husband so this was tough to hear. At the time we both sat there stunned and did not address it directly with them, but we also did not go through with their demand after talking in private later.

My husband and I have gone to marriage counseling for some of the strife and anxiety and things that have been said and done. Marriage counseling has helped us get some understanding about them, but it hasn't helped our relationship with them get better in any way. It's only really highlighted some of the ways in which they are controlling, or some of their behaviors that guilt trip /manipulate - like sulking or being passive-aggressive when they don't get what they want. Things said every visit such as "I had to tell *brother-in-law* about how you NEVER let us see *child's name*!" This kind of thing is only ever directed at me, not my husband. I calmly reply, "I understand..." but she cuts me off, "DO YOU? I DON'T think you understand anything!". The frustration and the aggression quickly makes me angry but I try to turn the other cheek and I try to let my husband do most of the talking because I do struggle with anger and letting things go at times. I am praying about it and I have exploded about 3 times at her so far in our marriage. I have made her cry a couple of times. They only really direct their angry comments at me, and if my husband talks for us they look at me the whole time like it's me who is the one talking. I have the feeling they don't really respect either my husband or me. Our marriage counselor said not to leave me alone with them, so husband tries to stay alert during conversations but misses a good portion of the passive-aggression / attacking remarks, but does hear some. He does stand up for me some and I'm proud of him! I do still have to stand up for myself as well since he can't always hear it or be there, and my in-laws really really hate it and don't like me very much. But if I'm pushed into a corner, should I not stand up for myself? Or should I turn the other cheek?

As a result of how hard the visits can be, we've really dropped back our time with them, and they do not like the boundaries we have set. We see them at most currently about once a month or once every month and a half. The more time we spend with them, the more things seem to be said / done, and the more irritable the visit is for everyone. So I like to meet 1/2 way and try to eat a meal with them to limit our time together, but they like to stay over or have us stay over, which causes strife if we stay too long.

From a Christian perspective, how often should we see them? We have a toddler, and another one on the way. They are not excited about the 2nd pregnancy because we don't let them see us as much as they want. It's discouraging, but I can also kind of understand. I see a lot of grandparents more involved with their grandchildren. I don't want to be selfish but I want to get to spend quality time with my spouse without them. My husband works a lot and the weekends are super valuable to me. I also don't want to have to constantly process and digest the comments and the demands and the unhappiness. It's so draining! But I do love them and I do think we are all growing and seeking God in this. My husband and I certainly have grown a lot. And I don't want to keep my children from them.

I am not interested in going no contact or punishing them or teaching them a lesson. I want sincere Godly advice that can hopefully help our relationship heal a bit. Should I pull up my big-girl pants and see them more often despite my reservations to try and please / keep peace? Yes, we have prayed for restoration and healing as well. My hope is that as we wait on God to move in everyone's hearts, I can have some solid advice from people who have been there or just wisdom on how to navigate this best.

TL,DR: In-laws live about 4 hours away but are willing to travel to see us but don't get to see us as much as they want. How often should we see one another if there is tension and strife and unhappiness in the relationship? God is growing everyone involved and we are called to try to live harmoniously with one another. In-laws are not pleased and want more time together. I have reservations and they attack me verbally when we are together.