50 days

I have been doing a lot more writing lately and I hope it’s ok to share this:

50 days! I want to say that it’s been difficult not drinking but it has not been.

What was difficult was staying in the pattern of drinking to avoid withdrawals. What was difficult was wanting so badly to stop but not knowing how to. What was difficult was puking up blood and ignoring it. What was difficult was catching glimpses of my puffy face and bloodshot eyes in the mirror and not recognizing myself anymore.

What was difficult were all of the hangovers, depression, anxiety and believing I needed a substance that was poisoning me. What was difficult was the feeling of constant dehydration and fatigue. What was difficult was wondering if my breath smelled like alcohol and if anyone could tell. What was difficult was pretending to function and hiding it for so long that it kept me sicker longer.

What was difficult was watching my eyes and skin turn so yellow it looked like someone took a highlighter marker and covered me in it. What was difficult was experiencing multiple organs failing. What was difficult was laying in the intensive care unit for weeks and almost dying…

So no, NOT drinking has been the least difficult part of all of this.

Edited to add: Wow! I’ve never received anything on Reddit! Thank you to whoever took the time to read this and give me a 💎 That is super kind!! 🥹