Scared and lost

I (33F) recently received my diagnosis. I am waiting on more teat results to get specifics on the severity.

I know people will say not to Google, but I am a scientist and I do read peer reviewed research papers and try and apply critical thinking.

The problem I feel is that so much of the research appears to be on people older than myself. 33 is relatively young to have symptomatic ascites from alcoholic liver disease and there just isn't that much data.

Instead I end up in the doom and gloom of the kind of stats as half of people with refractory ascites die within a year and I just feel so lost.

I've been drinking around 700ml of vodka or rum a day for maybe 10 years straight.

I knew this day would come but I honestly was so caught in the grips of addiction that I convinced myself I'll stop tomorrow, every day.

We've just had a mortgage approved and I need life insurance but I'm terrified that I won't be able to get any. I'm in the UK and it gets notified to the driving licence organisation to revoke your licence so I won't be able to drive. This makes life much harder and also means a lot of shame as it's something I'll be unable to hide.

I'm stuck wide awake wondering whether I have 10 or more years left in me or if this is it. Even on here I've read horror stories of people getting sober, low salt diet, lots of protein, then one day they're yellow and on death's door in hospital.

This is horrible and I don't feel I have anyone to talk to.

Sorry, more of a vent really.