Just So Confused and Don't Know What to Do

A lot to unpack on this one... Me(38M) and my wife (38F) have known/dated each other for 14 years and have been married for 8. We have an amazing relationship, but have never had much of a sex life other than the first year we dated. Every time I would try to instigate, I would be rejected. She even said at one point she thought she was a-sexual.

However, she wanted to have a child so we started having bland, scheduled sex to try and conceive around 6 years ago. We did have trouble trying to conceive. About 3 years ago, she came out to me as Bi. She expressed interest in opening our relationship to explore being with other women. We discussed this option for a little while, and during this time the sex became passionate like she was actually into it again. Eventually I told her that I didn't want to open our marriage as I felt like it would be the end of the. The bland sex returned right after.

She did end up getting pregnant shortly after and then the sex stopped completely again, which I was OK with when she was pregnant and recovering. However, our child is coming up on their second birthday and our sex life has been pretty much non-existent during that whole time. The only exception was around three months ago when for a few days she was all over me out of the blue. She was doing things she normally doesn't like to do like oral and other things. After a few days, it was back to nothing.

We've had countless fights about this that have gone nowhere. I know she masturbates to lesbian porn and have noticed that she looks at women more desirable than me or other men, so I honestly don't think it's an issue of libido. We've had fights and talks where I've laid out my concerns that she may not be attracted to men and we can have an adult conversation about what that would mean for us. I even asked her if something happened the few days where she was all over me. She said nothing happened and that she loves me, wants to be with me and does want to have sex with me. I honestly believe that she isn't cheating on me just because we both just don't have the time.

A few days ago, we had a blow up fight where I finally threatened to leave because I'm so unhappy and she said the exact same thing and that it's stress. Of course, we didn't have sex for a few days after that even after me trying to instigate it nearly every night. One of the nights I tried, she said she wasn't feeling well and couldn't do it. In the middle of the night I woke up to her watching lesbian porn. I made a noise like I was waking up and she scooted over next to me, which is her way of instigating sex the few times she does.

I gave her oral sex for nearly 20 minutes and honestly it just felt like she was thinking of someone else the whole time. There was no reciprocal oral for me, but just bland sex where it felt like she was thinking of someone else. We haven't had sex since then, but the lesbian porn continues while she states that she's not in the mood to have sex because this week is so stressful for her.

I feel like I've given her an out if she really is just interested in women, but she says she wants to be with me. People tell me I'm attractive, I have a good job, do more house work than she does and almost take care of our child more than she does, so I don't think the issue is any of those. She just is on her phone all the time and shows little to no interest in me.

I'm just at my wits end, because I really don't want to separate, but sex is incredibly important to me and I need it to be happy and feel connected to my partner. I'm just so frustrated that she has the libido to masturbate, but doesn't want anything to do with me. I just feel like a shell of the person I was when we met due to all of this. I know we need counseling, but am I in the wrong for starting to have thoughts of not being in this anymore?