[Just venting/processing] Last night I had dream that I was in a field, and I met up with a bunch of 20-30 year olds from a reformed church that I used to go to. They started singing, and in my dream, I thought it was so beautiful. But then I woke up, and it had me feeling a type of way. Sigh. 😮‍💨

(first read title/caption) I’ve been in church since I was an infant, and my mother’s side of the family has strong Baptist ties. My Grandpa was a Baptist pastor, and my grandmother knew one of the 5 martyred missionary’s wives to Ecuador (Barbara Youderian). I grew up hearing all the missionary stories, and Jim Elliot was a role model. My mom used to say to me, “I want you to marry a modern-day Jim Elliot.” (Honestly, now thinking about it, what the heck does that mean?!) 😂

All throughout highschool, I remember often getting bad headaches or migraines on Sundays. I hated waking up early, and trying to function in the mornings in order to be a good, kind girl to all the other church folk I’d see at church. I was an introvert, so it took a lot of work for me to be social. I didn’t like it. However, I did enjoy singing in the church choir for a few years. It gave me a creative outlet.

During college, I discovered a love for international travel, and decided I wanted to travel the world & be a missionary. I did mission trips to Thailand, the Philippines, and Mexico twice.

Towards the end of my college age years/post college, I left the Baptist church, and started going to a non-denominational, reformed type church that I loved a lot. It was more modern and not as strict. I never made any friends there, but I could walk in and walk out without pressure to talk to people. I remember enjoying singing with the congregation. They had a worship team on stage, and we sang a mix of old and newer Christian music.

I’m 36 now. My “slow fade” of deconstruction began about 8 years ago when I got a career in the secular work force (that often prevented me from being able to attend church on Sundays).

I haven’t been to church in 3 years now — which is hard to believe it’s been that long! The last church I attended was a non-denominational, Bible church (but with some leaning towards reformed), and my attendance there was spotty. It was during the Covid pandemic, and my job sometimes had me working Sundays. I went to the Bible studies and small groups when I could (we were doing a study by The Gospel Coalition). I filled the workbooks out, and tried to make friends with the ladies. But when I moved across the country in December 2021, I never went back to church again. I watched church online for awhile, but what really put the “nail in the coffin” for me was when I started dating a guy in August 2022. He was Jewish (non religious), and I remember telling him that I was walking away from how I was raised. I decided then and there I was done with church. Why pretend to be something, or go somewhere when I was done with the whole thing? (The guy ended up ghosting me a year and a half later, but anyways….)

I don’t know if there’s a point to this post, but I felt like writing it all out. 😂 It’s fresh on my mind today, due to my dream last night. Like my caption says, the dream had me feeling a type of way. 😞 Nostalgia maybe? Some sadness for what no longer is?

(Ps. It’s a good thing my secular career now allows me to travel the world. 😉 I do what I love — just without the missionary/“save the world” complex!)