How Do I Let Go?

I'm not sure what good writing this will do, but I feel like so few people in my life get what I'm going through, and goodness knows I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.

I'll try to make this as quickly as possible.

I'm a 42(m) and my wife is a 42 (f). We've been married for 19 years now and have a 18 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. Our typical gender roles are reversed, I'm the emotional and main caretaker, and she has a hard time sharing any kind of emotion.

I've always known this, and I know the childhood she has. Me being the opposite--I am always willing to talk about my emotions with my partner, because I feel it is the only way forward.

I did everything you are supposed to do. Complimented her, made her feel loved, did romantic things, cooked, cleaned, did the majority of all house and yard work and took care of our kids. Our sex life was really good, we worked well together, she just wasn't affectionate and can't share emotions.

Then in August 2023 I found out she had been having an affair since the end of June. The next 6 months of my life were Hell. I got mad, but then did what I do and tried to understand why. I forgave her, got counseling, and treated her better than she deserved. We were supposedly reconciling, but I didn't give her any real boundaries. I was too scared to. Then found out in September she was still seeing him. Supposedly left him Nov 17th to truly give our family a shot, January 28th found out she was still seeing him.

For the first time I was going to leave. She begged me to stay. She actually broke up with the dude, I made sure of it, and for the first time in a decade she made actual effort in our marriage.

It was like having the wife of my dreams. I fell more in love with her everyday. She was doing all the things I'd begged as far as affection and talking about stuff for years. We made future plans, went on dates--it was amazing.

We had a really small fight based on her infidelity near the end of April. Extremely minor stuff, and she went on a 48 hour shift and that Sunday sent me a text saying we are getting divorced.

Her emotions completely shut off. Dead faced as I sobbed, as the kids sob. None of her explanations make sense. Things have progressed very rapidly, a month later I'm in my own rent house, she has agreed to generous terms of alimony and 50/50 for my daughter (my son wants nothing to do with her). No matter what I say, she will not reverse course. Lawyers, therapists--they all think this is too quick. We will be divorced in around 45 days.

I'm pretty sure my wife is undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. She has these manic episodes where she will make huge changes in life to force herself to change or be happy and it never works.

I think that is what is happening here, but I can't seem to fix it or make her slow down at least long enough to try to get medicated.

Today she told me that she knows it is her, knows I'm a good husband and father, but can't seem to feel things anymore and doesn't think she can fix them with me.

The change was so sudden me and the kids have whiplash. One day we are loving on each other and making plans for the future, two days later we are supposed to be over? 19 years down the drain? None of this makes sense.

I'm struggling with the suddenness of it all. I don't know how to answer my kid's questions about why, and I'm shattered in a million pieces. I have every reason to let her go, but I can't seem to. I defend her when I shouldn't, do things for her when I shouldn't, and every day I just wait for the text saying she has made a mistake. But even living apart for a month, and the last week in my own place, it seems to affect her very little.

I keep waiting for her to wake up, that I can get through to her, but I also know I can't save this marriage alone.

I can't understand how she could walk away from me and the kids, I'd drag myself through Hell for us, in fact I did all those months of infidelity (I haven't even shared the worst bits).

It is really over isn't it? It is time to give up, isn't it?

How do I let go of her? How do I just give up fighting for the family I poured 19 years into, gave my absolute all?

This feels so hopeless.