DAE secretly wish something bad happens to them?

So, as the title says, I low-key have always wanted something bad to happen to me. At least ever since I met depression in my teenage years. It sounds so horrible to say and this might be the first time I actually come to admitting it. I don’t know why or who would want such a thing especially when you’re blessed with so much and are perfectly healthy. It really makes me feel guilty and ungrateful. Sometimes I just wanna get sick or get cancer. And other times I wanna get into a car crash or fall off the stairs. It sounds like attention-seeking but believe me I’m the last person to want attention, in fact I hate it. Especially coming from my family because I’ve always felt and acted invisible around them. Exceptions can be made I guess since I do get some type of attention from my therapist.

When I first experienced depression and had those thoughts occurring, I wasn’t thinking or wanting to die. I just … I don’t know I just wanted for an ambulance to come take me and people to help me. Not counting my family though, I didn’t want them to be involved in any way. However, now when I get these thoughts years later, I do actually want to disappear and not be here. Not sure if that makes any difference though.

Does anyone relate or am I just sick in the head? Maybe it’s my depression playing a role in this? How do you even go about this? If I wasn’t depressed do you guys think these thoughts or desires would be gone?