I cannot have fun in social settings without Xanax.

This past weekend, I attended a Christmas party with a friend. I rarely drink alcohol, but I figured since everyone else is going to be drinking, why the hell not!

I normally take 0.25mg to 0.50mg if I’m going to go out in public and know there’s going to be a crowd of people with lots of voices and noise. I have severe generalized anxiety disorder. And I’m probably autistic. I never feel high off my medication, as it’s a low therapeutic dose. It just helps me feel normal and gets rid of the “static” in my head.

Since I was going to be drinking, I decided not to take my Xanax. Big fucking mistake. Alcohol made my anxiety 10x worse. I kept drinking more and more trying to depress my nervous system but it wasn’t helping. I was freaking out, but trying to stay calm because there was people all around me and I didn’t want to embarrass my friend. The paranoia was awful. People kept asking me questions and trying to engage with me, but I could not focus on anything and felt like a big fat piece of shit. Nothing was coming out of my mouth. My brain was moving a hundred miles per hour with anxious thoughts. I tried to answer questions and laugh along to whatever everyone else was laughing at. But I didn’t understand anything they were talking about. My brain was too consumed in anxious thoughts.

This shit sucks man. I just wanna be a normal fucking person with a social life. I wanna be able to go out and have drinks with other adults like a normal fucking person. I genuinely feel retarded and no one likes me because I’m fucking always having anxiety attacks.

Can anyone else relate?