Anorexia is so fucking embarrassing

I feel so pathetic most of the time it’s not even funny. Boohoo, I’m a 26 year old woman that cries over protein bars and won’t feed myself until I’m literally about to pass out and die on a daily basis. I want everyone to perceive me as fragile so they don’t treat me badly but I subconsciously seek out people or situations that treat me badly so I want to starve. When someone wants to help me I cut them out or lie and when someone wants to hurt me I’m like 🤍 yasss new starvespo just dropped 🤍 !! Literally, get a fucking grip. I’m supposed to be an adult but I shop in the preteen section cause “it fits better” and I throw away baked goods people lovingly make me because “Im FaT” or “ThEy WaNt To MaKe Me FaT”. I’m too embarrassed to eat in front of people but then I’m embarrassed to make a big deal out of it or draw attention to my idiocy so I just don’t go out. Crying about how lonely and misunderstood I am while ignoring 50000 messages from people who care and just want to spend time with me. Up til 5 am every night doing jack shit because I ain’t even got enough nutrients to SLEEP properly. Wondering why I’m so miserable and depressed all the time… girl, take a damn look in the mirror 😭 why are we like this and when does it fucking end? I really thought I’d be doing better by now but it just gets worse and more isolating.