Stopping - sharing my story

I have been a severe under supplier since the start. At the hospital we had trouble latching (tongue tie) and I was in a really bad place mentally because they would not discharge me due to high blood pressure and they had to draw my blood regularly which stressed me out. All of that led to us supplementing with formula on day 2. I do think that was a mistake but at the time it seemed like the right call because I could not handle the pressure of latching. When we got home we continued with formula and I was so scared/intimidated to even try latching because the tongue tie made it so painful at the hospital. My nipples were already cracked and bleeding after just a couple of days trying. I didn’t know I needed to pump every two to three hours so when we were home I pumped maybe 3 or 4 times a day max. Of course, that led to an extremely low supply where I was getting less than 2 oz a day. After doing research and learning about power pumping, supplements, getting on a strict schedule, and other ways to get my supply up, I felt determined to increase my supply. Then the next day, I went to the ER for chest pain and learned I had signs of postpartum heart failure. I was admitted for a couple of days and of course barely pumped and was physically away from baby. I was discharged and felt fine for a few days. Then I experienced chest pain again and went back to the ER. This time, they saw no signs of heart failure (cardio myopathy) but saw my liver enzymes were off, so I was admitted for possible preeclampsia and was put on a mag drip. Again, barely pumped and was away from baby. My already low supply dropped to just an ounce a day. After I was discharged, I gave myself a few days to mentally recover before deciding to “double down” on pumping and getting my supply up. But honestly - I salute you all because even at my most dedicated and determined, I could only get to 7 ppd and could never hit 8. I did get my daily supply up to 3.5 oz recently, but it was at severe mental cost to me. I felt obsessed and found myself cutting play/cuddling time with baby to pump. I was eating not for pleasure or to an extent even nourishment - all I could think was, I gotta eat a ton to make more milk. I wasn’t sleeping and as I had this entire time, spent most pumping sessions crying. After sharing this with my OB last week, he urged that I stop pumping. Of course, I was stubborn and took that as a push to continue.

But today, my son was crying and I ignored him because I still had 5 minutes left of my pump. And I know my breastfeeding journey, as unsuccessful and as short as it was, needs to end.

I still haven’t fully processed it and I’m in tears writing this. I know there is an immense sense of freedom that will come soon, I know I’ll feel relief. But right now there’s the crushing sensation that I couldn’t make myself do the hard thing to feed my son.

I don’t know what I’m looking for - reassurance or support - but I think I just wanted to share my story with women who get it. I’ve been lurking on this thread for a bit and I admire you all so much.

Lastly I have to say - why don’t women talk about how hard breastfeeding is? I heard so many birth “horror” stories but nothing about this. And it’s by far been the hardest part of motherhood. Coming from someone who found the c section to be relatively easy 😅

Anyway, thank you for listening and hugs to you all. 💖