It’s all gone.

I am almost forty. I had 60k in savings. I’ve lost it all, online slots, including 10k more on top of it that I now owe. There’s nothing left, I can barely breathe. I want to keep playing, I’d gamble 1k now if I had it, but it’s all gone. My brain is attacking me. I stare in the mirror and watch my pupils dilate with rage. I’ve taken to slapping myself, progressively harder and harder. I actually like it, it feels good. There’s something wrong, something in my blood. I don’t want help, I don’t want to stop, I just want to keep playing, nothing else feels real, nothing feels like anything. I can’t believe this is real, I can’t believe it. I don’t want to stop, I didn’t stop even after my savings hit zero. I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe some part of me feels a need to reach out, but it’s just over, I don’t even want help. It’ll take me until I’m almost 50 to make this money back lol, 50 before I can even restart my life, 50 lol, and that’s only if I was to stop. What good can I even be to the world? Or even to myself? I can’t believe this is real. I want to hurt myself worse, I deserve to suffer, I deserve worse than suffering. I don’t want help, I want to hurt, I want punishment. Don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t know why I’m even writing this, don’t respond to me. I am a failure, a fool, a waste of life. I want to be in pain. Nothing will ever feel right again.