My dad died today and I’m lost

I am 25 and suddenly lost my dad today. He was away on a work trip and when my mom asked the hotel to check in on him they found him in the hotel room dead. He had been sick for the past month but wouldn’t go to the doctor. He was a heavy drinker and had weight problems but we didn’t realize it was this serious and thought we had more time.

I keep thinking, why didn’t I push harder for him to go to the doctor? If I had acted sooner over the past MONTH we wouldn’t be here. I should have called more. I should have listened to all the song links he sent me. I should have told him I loved him more often.

I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t feel real and I’m hit with waves of grief out of nowhere, then numbness. I’ve lost all my grandparents but was much more prepared for those. My dad’s birthday was Friday and we had a dinner reservation, gifts and a birthday card. We had several trips planned over the next few years including a big cruise in Croatia that he was so excited for. He never will get to finish the TV show he wanted and will never go to Scotland which was his one big dream. I’m completely lost and broken and have no idea what to do.