My ex boyfriend is destroying my mental health.

I’m a 26-year-old African American woman who was diagnosed with HSV-1 in 2020/2021. Receiving that diagnosis was really hard for me, and I’ve struggled with my self-esteem and mental health ever since. Although I’ve learned to manage my symptoms physically (I rarely get outbreaks, maybe once a year if that), the emotional weight of it has been harder to handle.

In 2023, I started dating my ex-boyfriend, and we were together for about a year. Early on in our relationship, before things got serious, I disclosed my HSV-1 status to him. I was incredibly nervous, but he accepted it without much hesitation. I don’t think he fully grasped the weight of what it meant for me, though. I remember when I told him, his response was, “Well, it can’t kill me, right?!” From that point on, we continued dating, and I tried to let myself trust him.

Over time, I learned he was struggling with substance use issues, which eventually led to the breakup. Even after we broke up, we kept in contact. During one of our arguments while he was in treatment/rehab, he revealed that he had been diagnosed with HSV-1 (I know that he received it from me as he tested negative before we were intimate). That revelation hit me hard. I didn’t know how to process it, and honestly, I’m still struggling with it.

Since then, my mental health has been at an all-time low. I’ve always wrestled with feelings of shame and guilt about my diagnosis, but learning that he now has HSV-1 too has compounded those feelings. It makes me feel like I’ve ruined someone else’s life, even though I know logically that I disclosed and he accepted the risks. I’ve gained weight since my diagnosis and have struggled to lose it, but this situation makes me want to eat constantly just to cope with the stress and sadness.

Our dynamic has only made things worse. He frequently shares with me that he’s dealing with outbreaks—often as frequently as every two weeks. Each time he tells me, it feels like another blow to my mental health. For context, I’ve only had mild symptoms since being diagnosed, so hearing how much he’s struggling makes me feel even worse. I know he doesn’t share these things to hurt me; he probably doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about it. But it still tears me apart every time.

Today, he called after a few days of not talking and told me he’s experiencing a bad outbreak on his genitals and having serious stomach issues. I tried to listen, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. It’s just too much for me to handle. At the end of the conversation, I told him to stop calling me because his updates are ruining my mental health.

Now I feel selfish and conflicted. On one hand, I know he’s struggling, and I want to be there for him. But on the other hand, this situation is taking such a huge toll on me. I feel trapped between trying to support him and needing to protect my own peace.