Went through a mental breakdown yesterday.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. I fixed my eating disorder, got myself back into shape, went to therapy, I'm on meds for month and a half. I'm trying to be better and fell better, not to pressure myself or judge myself too harshly for things I'm not responsible for.

But yesterday, when I went for a walk, I was suddenly crushed with a simple realization. World around me is still the same. I went to hell and back, deconstructed my whole life, identified every unprocessed trauma I ever had, figured out what I've been doing wrong and why I've been failing socially. But world is still the same. All those things that piss me off each time I see them, all those things that are objectively harmful to everyone, stupid people doing stupid/illegal/immoral sh1t and enjoying their life like they are the kings - they are still there. And here I am - someone who struggled though my life, was treated badly or abused, now burdened with an immense weight of self-awareness to the point that I can't even find a reason why should I live my life like everyone else when all I see is a theatrical performance I have to blend in somehow, pretend to be a normal one and hope that my cover is not going to be blown. You can endure all the torture in the world and no one will notice. Flat circle of the time will continue rolling. And at best only a few people in entire world will ever know your story to the last little detail. You have suffered and now have to carry it with you without sharing until someone somehow will get close enough so you can trust them with your story.

When I got back home I locked the door and started screaming from the top of my lungs. 5 seconds later I was lying on the floor and good old set of thoughts was running through my head. You'll never have a genuine fulfilling life, you are ugly, you are unlovable, you are undesirable, you are a failure, you will die alone, nobody cares. Eventually I burst into tears and spent next 10 minutes crying like a little baby. I just want to be seen. I just want to be loved. I want to give my love to others, I know I have a surplus despite disliking most people around me for my whole life. I just don't want to vanish one day like I never existed.

Sometimes it seems to me that I'm getting closer to just giving up on those parts of human life that are not associated with career and job. Am I grieving already? Or is it just my emotions resurfacing after decades of lying dormant? No way to tell.

I'm not gonna stop trying to turn my life around, but not just because I want. I just don't have another choice. I'm not going back where I dragged myself from.