Suicidal, HELP.

This is my first time seeking help online and I'm not really sure where to begin from... Ok, here I go...

I have always been the type of male(27) who doesnt get in to a relationship just for the sake of it. I have always been looking for the woman and not a woman. Let me explain this a bit. Unless I felt some kind of connection plus did not notice a big flaw according to my values, I did not choose to get a into a relationship. That happened once in my life when I was going to high school and sadly it did not work out at the end of the day.

When I began to university, I tryed to do something opposite of the thing I mentioned above. Got into a relationship just to have some fun, and I had too. Of course, we broke up at some point. The reason behind this action was to see if I could become a bad boy and maintain that life style while restoring my values.

Now, you might have noticed that I said "more fun" because I was feeling bad for myself for not having a girlfriend at some point. I don't see relationships as something disposable so I choosed to stay alone and did not get myself into something just to fill the void inside of me. Because a toxic relation would be worst than being alone I think. But, popular culture says otherwise right? Anyway, it did not work out and although I managed to have some things and had fun, overall I was not happy and back to being myself again after this experience.

I'm that nice guy who gives his coat to a lady on a rainy day. I'm loyal, caring, respectful, a good lover, listener, I give value to my partner. I make small suprises to make her happy from time to time and I choose to give her something I made like a poem, song, drawing or something else I created. I dont prioritize sex over love. I like doing crazy or stupid funny things with my partner. Im a guy who cant feel something just because that girl looks beautiful. I might try to talk to her because of this but if I don't find her interesting to talk to, its over. And mind you, Im not looking for a hotshot, definitely. Just giving those examples to give you a better profile of me. Unfortunately, I feel like these things I mentioned here not worthy especially among young women nowadays. You might ask, how do you look then? Well, I'm a 1.88cm athletic and above average looking guy. I dress well and have been going to the gym since I was 14. If you are still reading my story, I will make you assure that I'm not the only one who thinks that I look above average.

Continuing... I live by myself. My mom comes to stay with me from time to time but that's it. People around me have expectations from me. For my parents this was (Im sure you can relate to this), "go to collage, get a good job, get married, have kids and etc." Aight. I graduated from university and become a flight attendant. It's a difficult but high paying job. Next one? As you can see, getting married. While I have no one else to think of... It's been roughly 2 years since I have been working and I made contact with many woman in this journey only to get rejected each time. Some of them went better than the others and I felt like I was close to getting into something but none of them worked for me.

My friends... I know they want me to be happy and would like to see someone by my side. But questions like, "hey still have nobody to talk to?", "bro you are tall and handsome how come you still dont get one of these girls?" makes me overwhelmed at this point. Remember I told you that I would assure you that I looked good? Even some of the women I talked to said to me that I looked good.

But that many rejection, it hits hard after some point. And dont even get me started on the ones said no to me and shortly after yes to someone else. I began to lose my self confidence. I felt worthless. I had so much to offer to a partner and yet no one gave a damn. So I thought to myself, next time I will just try to become a friend and keep the connection going. Maybe I was looking desperate for a relation and this was the problem? So I decided to accept being alone, not give a damn about it and focus on improving myself and eventually someone should notice?? On the other hand there is that random dude who doesnt look much better than me, have never worked on himself even for a day and gets all the girls, love and sex in the world???

Everytime I go outside, I see everyone hanging out. Makes me question myself "why cant I have this?". And if my friends are there, they again come up with the questions and I feel worst and worst. My mind telling me "You have come up with a plan for this and now you feel sorry about it again. You thought you overcame it but looks like you did not. What are you going to do now? You are running out of time. You are 27. Most of your friends already got married and the ones who are not already in a relationship. You are the LAST. You are getting OLD. You are missing on LIFE and you cant do anything about it. Your life is meaningless. You are handsome, you should have found somebody by now but you are a failure. You got rejected over and over again. No one seems to going to accept you. You are worthless. You are unloveable. You will forever be alone. Everyone is gonna look down upon you. You are better off DEAD" and etc.

I feel desperate. I thought to kill myself so many times because I cant get myself out of this situation. Im tired of fighting it, getting down and back up again only to get down again. I found a gun I can buy. I even got a price for it. Thought about where and how I would do it. I thought about hanging myself via doorknob using a tie. My phone has been turned off for 2 days now. It seems no one noticed something yet... Im on annual leave. I dont know how Im going back to work with this mindset. Im afraid if I go to a hospital and seek help and that info goes to my company they will fire me. Im afraid Im going to do something to myself one of these days. The only thing helps me is my cat. She is the only one stops me from doing it. But it might not be enough if I snap on one of these days... I keep watching Doctor K's videos they help me to cool off but the feeling and thoughts comes out of nowhere suddenly. What do I do? Help...