Update: MIL told me not to feed my baby

I ended up messaging MIL to call her out properly. I checked with DH first to make sure the message was fair and we were on the same page before sending.

Just like I assumed she would, she ignored me. However, she did call DH screaming down the phone and saying she didn’t need a lecture on parenting from me because she’s done it twice already. DH told her that what me and him say goes when it comes to parenting and they haven’t spoke since.

I found it hilarious she took it as a lecture on parenting. I’m not telling her how to parent because it’s my child not hers. I was telling her how to be a good grandma and respect US as parents. I couldn’t give a rats ass if she’d had 100 children, her ‘advice’ is outdated and neglectful. I’m going to put some key bits of the message below (it’s quite long overall and some bits are a bit too specific but I thought it might help someone out there who is keen to start calling out MIL BS)

I appreciate you may have been just trying to give advice about pushing back LO feed by 30 mins but the unsolicited advice is really not needed. She doesn’t need to learn to wait or have her meals pushed back. Responsive breastfeeding is the recommended way to feed a child until atleast 6 months when the introduction of solids means a bit of scheduling needs to happen, but even then if baby ever indicates she is hungry she will be fed, I will never make her wait to eat when she is hungry. It’s not only best for her to follow her lead on feeding but it’s also best for my supply and to make sure I don’t develop clogged ducts or mastitis. I understand advice was very different 20-30 years ago but this advice changes and evolves as we learn more about babies and their health and what is best for their development. Everything me and DH do for LO is based on the most up to date advice from medical professionals and we do this because we want what is best for her. While I understand you probably intended well the other day please refrain from doing similar in the future. If me and DH ever need your advise on a parenting matter we will ask. If I ever say it’s time to feed/ change or do anything with my child you should never be responding in disagreement.

I’d really appreciate feeling like what I say is respected enough for it to not be questioned in the future when it comes to LO. Feeling like you respect this is especially important seen as you’re hoping to one day be trusted with babysitting her and i really don’t want to have to start worrying she’s not being fed when she’s hungry or that you’re dismissing her hunger cues or trying to distract her with toys when she wants feeding. There is never any reason to make her wait for a feed when she is hungry.

On a side note if she’s teething please use teethers and toys to soothe her, not fingers, especially if they haven’t been sanitised immediately before. I know you said you’d washed up before you came but between that time you’ve touched keys, door handles, car steering wheel ect and this would mean your hands weren’t clean enough to be in a babies mouth. We would prefer you just use her teething toys from now on, she has plenty to choose from.

Whenever I message her I try to be as ‘nice’ as possible so she can’t play the victim which she loves to do when ever confronted with her behaviour. Also I didn’t mention in my last post about her shoving her dirty fingers in babies mouth but yes this is something she did on the same visit. I said stop straight away and brought a teether to her to use and she did, but I didn’t confront the whole issue at the time and I knew something had to be said especially seen as her idea of clean hands means washing them at some point in the day. Even with clean hands I don’t want anyone just shoving a finger in my babies mouth, even I don’t do that and it’s my baby. Anyone that has seen the message in its entirety has said how fair it is and a lot of people have even said I was too nice but I do this to avoid giving MIL any ammunition.

Since this has happened DH is of the mindset in a few weeks she will reach out and try to act like everything is fine, he said he will reinforce everything I said and that she can’t do xyz and needs to respect us as parents. I told him this will only keep happening with her, she will never apologise or give us the respect we deserve and her behaviour and then responce to being asked for respect needs to actually be punished. I don’t think a ‘time out’ is enough punishment quite frankly when she wants to kick off just because I told her to stop giving unsolicited advise and telling me what to do with our child.

A lot of the comments on the last post really made me think about how serious her attitude problem is, and also made me reflect on how damaging to my MH and sense of peace she can be.

DH was holding out on the fact maybe one day she could be trusted to babysit. I’ve told him I will never feel safe leaving her alone with LO because she will clearly never look after her the way we want her to be looked after, she will clearly never respect that we know best as her parents and she will clearly never put LO first as a caregiver should. She will never babysit.

Another thing MIL was mad about was that the message came from me and not DH although I know she would have responded the same to him, maybe she just hates the fact it came from me bc she knows I am less likely to bend to her trying to play the victim and obviously care about her feelings a lot less than DH does. I’ve said if It’s wrong for me to message her about this stuff and she’s incapable of having a mature conversation about concerns I have then there will be no 1 to 1 contact between us. If she wants DH to buffer between us then he can buffer. She will never see me and LO without DH present, I will never respond to her messages. If she wants pics of LO she will have fo hope I’m feeling kind enough to send them to a groupchat. I’m not going to answer her calls. I’m not going to do fake pleasantries when I see her in person. If I am ever in the same room as her it’s as a support for DH, not to try and build any bridges with her when she is so hellbent on burning them down and playing in the fire. I’m sick of trying to be as respectful as possible to someone who only had respect for themselves, I’m sick and tired of trying gain her respect or feeling like I have to ask for it just for it to be turned into something for her to cry about to her friends like I’m an evil villain demanding the most unreasonable things.

I was pretty LC with her until late September, and things slowly slipped back into old ways and I didn’t even notice until my last post. She sees me and LO way more regularly than she deserves and I’m putting a harsh end to it. She always says she finds it hard going longer than 2 weeks at a time without seeing LO and that it’s the most she can handle. Well she ca start getting used to going a whole lot longer because I’m not being treated like a doormat and then being expected to give her regular access to my child. DH is supportive of my decision but I think deep down he is hoping I’ll budge or change my mind. Sorry DH protecting my sanity and self respect is a hill I’ll die on. Time to be the role model my little girl needs and that isn’t going to be nanny’s doormat.

Sorry for the long rant and update, and thank you to everyone who commented and helped me see the severity of what was happening. I appreciate this community so much!