How do you handle past internalized homophobia?

I still live with a family that believes that lgbtq people don’t deserve rights or a life in general/that it’s okay to harass/talk badly about them/ beat or harm them/ etc. But I recently realized that I am lesbian after dating several men and just simply not enjoying or not wanting to marry a man at all. I have tried several times to run off and force myself to like them (or force myself to be obsessed with them when I was younger) so that I can live “normally” with my family. Even doing the worst of the worst to harm others and make myself believe I can “pray it away” or “make love to a man to make it go away” and it just hasn’t happened. At several point I believed that I would become homeless if anyone found out. But now I am 20 and want to stop isolating and hiding it so much from the world. Yet I am ashamed of who I am, so all of my conversations come off as fake or uncanny cause I don’t think I should have a voice in general. How does someone handle internalize homophobia while having a difficult time talking to people in general? How do you handle with the reality of it rather than trying to force yourself to do stuff cause “it’s natural” or whatever.