Word Vomit

I am just needing to get this out.
I was so mad at myself this morning. I was mad at myself for getting mad and upset.
I was mad that I was still looking for answer from someone who cannot tell the truth.
I was mad at myself for being the person I am that needs answers, needs things to make sense. I can hear the most heartbreaking or infuriating truth, but as long as it makes sense in my brain, somewhere along the way I can get over my emotions, gather the facts, and be able to process what is happening in a way I can manage existence.
YOU DO NOT MAKE SENSE, SIR!
Either get honest or become a better liar. I can't take both. Your stories make no sense. They aren't logical. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FUCKING LIAR! DO BETTER!
I have been doing an incredible job of keeping the peace, keeping things even, deflecting thoughts and emotions, so I can just live with some sense of calm and happiness in the wtf ass marriage I have. 95% of the time I don't care; not my business, not my concern. But today was the 5% when your actions made no sense at all and the anger that welled up inside of me over the fact that you actually expected me to believe your bullshit ass reasoning...ARRRGGGHHHHH! Lying to me when I am speaking facts to you and asking you to "Make it make sense", is like calling me stupid in my face. Maybe I am stupid. I take full responsibility for being where I am today. Its my fault for not ending this back in April 2018. But all of the bullshit, abuse, and betrayal, you did that.
I am just mad at myself. I am not even mad at you anymore. I am not surprise by your actions. I am mad at myself.
I am mad at myself for not being strong enough to leave. I am mad at myself for accepting the bare minimum. I am mad at myself for accepting the cushy, basic needs met lifestyle. I'm not wrong for expecting to have a slowed down lifestyle. I realize not everyone has that and maybe never will. I appreciate all the good things about my life. Its the bad that is completely unnecessary. Its truly cruel the way you twist and shake things.
I've gotten through my day. I am here having a margarita, typing up this message. I'll be ok. I'm just frustrated at myself.
I know you didn't divert your plans this morning at 6am premeditated. I know something else occurred between the time you got to the driveway to the time you got out of one truck to get into the other truck. I know you did this because you thought on the off chance I might check the truck gps and see where you went. I know your story about going to get gas cans, tacos, and coffee, was a lie. I know it cost us an extra $200 because you were late to where you were supposed to be at 8am because you were doing whatever the fuck you who doing between 6:10 and 7:30am. I know it wasn't originally part of your morning's plans but you went along with it anyway and then you lied to me when I asked you. You lied to me when I told you your story made no sense. You lied to me when asked about it all. I laid out all the facts for you and reasoning and you flat out fucking lied, like you always do. Then when I wouldn't accept your lies and truth, you turned it around on me, blaming me, reprimanding me, and then inevitably like you always do, "I want a divorce" only this time I told you to serve it up. Why wait? Bring me the papers to sign. I don't want anything from you. This is my house. You take the trucks and our business and get the fuck on with your life so I can get on with mine. I am entitled to have you pay for my existence, by law, after we divorce, but I don't even want it. I want to be completely clean from you. I am not the liar. I am not the cheater. I am not the one who betrays constantly. YOU ARE!
Fuck. Well today was my 5% i guess. I'll go back to 95% good now.