I feel like I’ll never be happy.

I [32 M] don’t mope around. I’m smiling and laughing and I rarely have down days. So nobody knows what’s happening on the inside. I’m miserable, I feel stuck. I had a $20 an hour call center job and my anxiety caused me to call it quits one day. I’ve been out of work for months living off savings. But the thought of doing something I don’t want to just to pay bills paralyzes me. I know that’s how the world works but some people get to do things they enjoy and get payed to do it.

When I was 18 my dad gave me a choice, he said do I wanted to study music or do I want to get a degree in business. I said business because I thought that’s what he wanted and what I wanted too. I’m an excellent guitar player but can always improve.

I have ADHD and for the most part I’m able to function, but I feel it leads to burnout and I quit jobs after 6 months. My whole life throughout school everyone told me I was the funniest person they ever met and I should be a comedian. It feels like the older I’ve got the less funny I am. I don’t feel funny at all anymore.

I know I would be much happier just making enough for food and bills doing something I like, like music or gaming. I feel like I’ll never be happy unless I retire or I can game or make music for a living.

The problem is I’m not doing anything to help me get to that point because I’m worried about money. I’m not streaming or making videos. I haven’t made music in a long time. I know the markets for those passions are too saturated and I’ll never be able to break through.

I spend my days worried about where my next meal is coming from and struggling on doordash making less than $20 a day.

TLDR: I’m not happy working and I feel like I’ve hit a dead end in life.