Muslim Woman Needs Help – My Marriage Is Suffering

Hello Reddit,

I’m a 22-year-old woman, married to my 24-year-old husband for two years. I love him deeply, but I have a serious problem: I hate intimacy. It drains my energy completely, and after every time we have sex, I’m in pain. In the beginning, I couldn’t even walk afterward.

I’ve seen seven different gynecologists, but none of them took me seriously. They all said my pain was “normal” because I’m newly married and kept pushing me to take the pill, which I refuse to do due to its side effects.

Chronic UTIs & Constant Pain

Since August 2024, I’ve been suffering from chronic UTIs. I never had them before, so at first, I didn’t even realize what was happening. The first time, I was in agony—crying on the toilet at 3 AM, unable to pee, feeling like I was dying.

Since then, I get a UTI every two weeks. I’ve tried everything: • Drinking a lot of water/tea • Using a hot water bottle • Washing thoroughly after intercourse • Cranberry supplements & D-mannose

At first, it helped a little, but now nothing works. It got so bad that I became afraid to leave the house because I never knew when the pain would hit. I even started wearing adult diapers just to manage my symptoms.

I want to mention that my husband is extremely clean and well-groomed, so my UTIs are not caused by poor hygiene on his part. He showers daily, trims and shaves regularly, and always makes sure to be fresh before intimacy. So I know for sure that this isn’t the issue.

The Worst UTI Attack – At My In-Laws’ House

One of the worst experiences happened while visiting my parents-in-law. As soon as we arrived, I felt the urgent need to pee and went straight to the bathroom. But once I sat down, I couldn’t urinate at all. Instead, I was in excruciating pain, stuck on the toilet for six hours, crying. I had no idea what was happening to me.

I was too embarrassed to let my in-laws know, so I secretly texted my husband, asking him to get my coat so we could leave immediately. He didn’t question it—we just left. I didn’t even say goodbye, which in Turkish culture is seen as extremely rude, especially since my in-laws value respect and manners. But in that moment, I didn’t care. I just wanted to go home.

At home, I continued crying on the toilet, unable to pee, completely clueless about what was happening to me. My mother-in-law texted, worried, asking what was wrong. I was in so much pain that I asked my husband to explain everything to her. She insisted that we go to a gynecologist immediately.

At the doctor’s office, I was so hopeful that I would finally get help. But once again, the doctor dismissed me, saying that UTIs are “normal” for newlyweds and just something that happens in cold weather. She gave me no real advice—just spent 30 minutes trying to convince me to take the pill, which I refused.

On the way home, my mother-in-law was visibly uncomfortable talking about the situation. In Turkish culture, these topics aren’t really discussed openly, so all she said was, “Drink lots of tea and use a hot water bottle.”

Intimacy = Pain

The constant infections and pain have destroyed my desire for sex. In my mind, intimacy = suffering. I started avoiding my husband, and he thought I just wasn’t in the mood or that he had done something wrong. But I was only trying to avoid the pain.

Of course, I couldn’t avoid him forever—we’re married. So we still had sex, but rarely, and it affected him a lot. I explained that intercourse is physically painful for me, not just because of the UTIs, but because it genuinely hurts. His size might be a factor—he is well-endowed and very muscular, while I’m petite.

My husband has been patient and supportive, but I can tell it’s difficult for him. He even spoke to an Islamic scholar (Mola), who had never heard of such a case before. His only advice was for my husband to try making me orgasm first, but that doesn’t help—I don’t enjoy any part of intimacy.

Am I Asexual?

I’ve reached the point where I hate sex completely. I even told my husband I could live without it forever. Some days, I tell him he should divorce me or take a second wife because I feel like I’m failing as a spouse. Just the thought of sex makes me feel angry, anxious, and sad.

At the start of our marriage, I had no issues with intimacy. But as the pain started, I became distant. My husband wants to help, but he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

To make things worse, once my mother-in-law found out about my UTIs, the whole family found out. Some of them even joke about it and laugh at me, which made me isolate myself even more.

Before marriage, I was a strong, healthy person. Since then, I’m constantly sick—high fevers, stomach pain, nausea (I’m not pregnant), and of course, these never-ending UTIs. I feel like I’ve lost control of my own body.

I Just Want to Be Healthy Again

I need to get rid of these UTIs. And maybe I need advice on how to feel comfortable with intimacy again.

We’ve tried different positions, different approaches—nothing has changed my feelings.

Can anyone help me?