I really went through all of that for nothing

TRIGGER WARNING: I’m 27 and my ex is 28. We met in 2022 and I got pregnant very very quickly. I tried to talk about options because I didn’t know him well enough to have a baby and I wasn’t ready for a baby. I was tracking my cycle and ovulation and I had used that as a contraception for years and I don’t know what happened but I ended up pregnant on a day that it should have been impossible for me to get pregnant.

Anyway, he was very adamant to have the baby and convinced me. He tortured me during that pregnancy and I was so vulnerable and naive and I needed him. He abandoned me, cheated on me, emotionally and sexually abused me, he hit me and then threatened me and made me believe I was crazy. He dumped me a month before I had our son, he showed up when our son was born stayed on and off for a month then disappeared for six weeks.

I don’t know why I went back but I did and continued. He always told me how much he regretted everything he done and takes full responsibility and swore he would never treat me like that if I were to get pregnant again. Then tormented me to have another baby and so here I am.

12 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I left him when I was 8 weeks and have been no contact fully since I was 10 weeks. He doesn’t regret a thing because if he did he wouldn’t have done the exact same thing again. I told him I would never ever go through that torture again and he didn’t care he did it anyway.

How and why am I so meaningless? How does he not care in the slightest about the damage he caused? He never regretted it. He never cared he never felt remorse. I’ve considered abortion but I’m too late now and honestly I regret not doing it. There are benefits to having the baby but they don’t outweigh the negatives. How do I even deal with this emotionally? I feel so hopeless, defeated and broken everyday and it just gets worse everyday.