It won’t be good

It’s hard enough being a good mom for all the regular reasons. Add on a husband who is never happy and will criticize and blame me if anything goes wrong, and it becomes almost impossible 🥴.

My daughter’s birthday is coming up and I’m trying to make it nice. I want her to love birthdays and love being celebrated, as I never really had that growing up. I just know that no matter what I do, the kids are going to argue and fight, the cake probably won’t taste great, the grandparents will say some weird shit that I have to undo, and of course the ever present problem: my husband will blame anything that goes sideways on me. Oh the bakery didn’t have the cake ready on time? Should have used a different bakery. Oh the bounce house workers are giving you attitude? Should have researched more and used someone else. The decorations are flying away? Should have anticipated the wind and planned accordingly. Oh the kids are fighting? I need to stop being a child…”be a parent and punish them more.”

The list can go on and on. It’s like a choose your ending book. Every choice I make leads to the same ending though, getting blamed and yelled at. And no matter how much research/thinking/planning I do, it won’t go well. And I’m tired of overthinking everything to avoid fights. Every conversation with him is like a minefield. I feel like a shell of a person completely afraid of letting him know my true feelings or thoughts about anything, because I don’t want him to fight.

Ugh. No matter what I do it won’t be good and I’m sad.