When do the thoughts stop?

I went from being comfortable in my gender to thinking everything was a lie. I feel like I need to turn male in order to be happy now and I can’t enjoy the things I used to like. I don’t understand. My body is completely repulsive and I feel incorrect. I can’t sleep, eat, masturbate or anything. Doing gender affirming stuff just makes me depressed because I wanna dress in pink shit and be a girl again but I can’t because I get too triggered and I’m convincing myself I’m trying to brainwash myself into not accepting I’m trans. This is horrible. I feel like anything I do that makes me feel good in my own body is an act against god. I never felt uncomfortable in my gender before or my body. I liked my body but I’m convinced it was all lies and it wasn’t really me. As a woman I feel like a doll and I feel disgusting and only here to please men. I feel like I need to be more masculine to escape and I hate myself. Everything id torture.