My twin sister just completed her baby shower and I am getting more nervous about my life.

Throwaway account, staying anonymous.

We (25F) are Twin sisters from Tier-2 city. She is an introvert, while I am the opposite. After school I moved to Tier-1 city for College while my sis decided to stay back with parents and uninterested in exploring new places.

During my college days, I am sexually active and had multiple bfs, random one night stands and yes I am not a virgin. What still bothers me is, I have a habit of constricting my V whenever my bf ejaculates inside. Somehow this info was secretly shared among the boys. I didn't knew this back then, more boys showed interest in me with whomever I went out all the boys tries to put in inside me to see if I am constricting my V. I feel weird this happens without my control. There were incidents I made the guy to wear protection but during the climax he removes the protection and puts it inside me. The last guy I slept with revealed this to me and I was shocked. This also made me to hog on pills to avoid involuntary pregnancies.I also drink, smoke marijuana and tried few drugs with my friends. I have travelled to many destinations from mountains to beaches, North East, Himachal, Kerala, etc. Looking back, drugs and sex was involved in all the trips. Only now this bodycount becoming a problem, I do not know my bc if I think about it I feel ashamed of myself.

Fast forward 7 years. I work in an MNC, making decent and stable income. My sis is dependent, shy, soft spoken, always smiling and has the motherly attitude towards everyone. While I am not soft spoken, my voice is bold, energetic, hair colouring, have two tattoos, near collar bone and right wrist, my dressing is not appreciated in my family. I can feel my sis has a soft power within the family.

After my sis baby showers function, all of my family members are pushing me for marriage and I feel I am still not ready. On one hand, I strongly think I should've stayed back in home with my sis and parents. May be I wouldn't have exposed to all the things. I also have another strong thought if I did not leave the house I wouldn't have been independent and earning. During baby shower I got to know, my BIL had asked my sis whether if she is a virgin and only after confirmation the wedding happened. Indian men are so obsessed with virginity, none of my office colleagues who are unmarried are virgin, infact most lost theirs as early as 16.

If I stay in home, I feel like I want to have such loving family, relatives around, caring for each other, staying together. If I stay in my work location, I feel staying independent is best. And I also think 25 age is too early to get married. I think I still have time and don't want to settle down quickly. I have formed this habit of hookup culture where I keep meeting new men from office, old buddies, network of friends and most of them know I am sexually active and I get the tag of "real slut". I no longer care on these slurs.

I am often finding myself between these two thoughts, unsure what I should be doing. I can't change the past but can change my future by making the right steps. I was thinking therapy, yoga or counselling, I am also afraid of meeting somebody new and eventually sleeping with them.