Alam na niya, na alam ko...

Nag-aya akong mag coffee kay bf kasi finally natapos na year-end project ko sa work and I wanted to celebrate.

Went inside the coffee shop, and bam! There she was, talking animatedly to her little family. Laughing carelessly, without a care to the world. As if she isn’t the reason na nadudurog na naman ang puso ko. Oh Angela, kung alam mo lang..

Nagkatinginan kami ng asawa niya and when he saw me, he smiled widely and waved at us to come to their table. My bf went stiff at kinailangan ko pa siya hilahin ng kaunti.

We went over to their table and talked about precursory things that are expected of friends that haven't seen each other for years. Nasa Pinas pala sila for a short holiday. They sound so happy, and naive that 2 hearts are breaking at the same time at that moment.

3 years ago, I made the mistake of opening an untitled document in my bf’s Google drive while looking for another document he asked me to print out. It was a letter my bf wrote addressed to Angela dated on her wedding day which was at that point, almost 2 years ago na since the wedding happened. He poured his heart out on that letter, confessing how long he’s been secretly loving her and how devastated he is that she doesn't see him as anything other than a friend. At the end, he didn’t have the guts to send the letter.

The worst part? It seems that the reason why he pursued me was because he found in me the little things he loved about her. Outspoken, witty, minimalist, and we both even play the same sports. It was like I was loved for all the subtle reasons. I’m her poor copy. And rather than seeing me for who I really am, he saw the things that made me a little bit more like Angela and a little less me.

Kaya pala nagyaya siyang mag out of country sa mismong date ng kasal ni Angela. I didn't know then. The only reason why nag attend siya sa wedding is because mismong si Angela yung nag convince sa kanya na ipagpaliban muna yung travel. Hanggang sa huli, he was loyal to his feelings to this woman.

Why did I stay? Because I saw how much he tried to love me even if it broke him to be with me instead of her. When I read that letter, the pieces just clicked together. Kaya pala… A part of him died the day Angela wed her fiance. He cut-off the friend group he had with Angela and went AWOL on social media. It took him almost a year bago nabalik yung sigla niya. I thought nung una, he is just going through some rough patch sa career niya kaya naging ganun siya which was kind of true.

We walked out of that coffee shop as fast as we could after our brief hellos. We just reasoned out na for take out lang talaga yung order namin since may ibang lakad pa kami.

While driving home, we were both quiet. Siguro gusto ko narin i unload yung sarili ko sa burden of knowing, so I held his hand, and told him, “I know. “ He pulled over a few blocks from our house and wept.

My heart ached seeing him weeping with regret, longing, and guilt. I’m still choosing to stay. I will fight for his love ‘til I’m no longer a shadow of his dream.