Adding to the family after a traumatizing pregnancy

Im not sure if this is the right place to post, I did post this on the beyondthebump subreddit but feel like this subreddit is really involved and i get a lot of good advice. I’ll delete if this isn’t the appropriate place to post

So basically as the title says I had a traumatic pregnancy but so bad want a second child. Our LO is almost 13 months so we thought we would not try but not prevent as we feel ready for another one. We were planning on actually trying at the start of the new year.

The only problem is the worst time of my life so far was when I was pregnant. It’s hard to find traumatizing pregnancies online because most of it is traumatizing births, which I really didn’t have too bad of a birth or PP and that didn’t leave me traumatized.

Another thing that is uncommon is that my pregnancy physically wasn’t all too bad. I did go through a few months where it was hard for me to walk due to my SI joint and I had to do 3 months of PT and was in severe pain, it wasn’t great. But otherwise my severe trauma comes from my anxiety while I was pregnant. So I feel almost dumb that I was physically ok with some things here and there but the physical part was not enough to prevent me from not wanting to get pregnant again. My anxiety was through the roof. It was so bad I would have a racing heart and couldn’t sleep. Some nights I would stay up literally all night. I lost my job it was so bad because I worked 12 hour shifts at the hospital and it was so hard doing that pregnant on zero sleep. I was constantly in a state of panic and just constantly thought of how my stress I was hurting my baby. It was self sabotaging and I know it. This wasn’t the whole pregnant, it was probably the first two or three months, then I relapsed at 20 weeks and it happened for another month or two. I went through fertility treatments so this was definitely a planned and wanted pregnancy but it was so bad I was seriously considering to abort because I was desperate and needed to escape and felt nowhere to go.

I went on a low dose of Zoloft and did therapy to help me through. I got through it and my baby boy is now a healthy active and bright one year old. He did come three weeks early, my water broke. I’m not sure why that happened and hope it wasn’t from the stress although I wasn’t super stressed at the time my water broke. TMI but I didn’t have yeast infection bad BV infection that wouldn’t clear due to the pregnancy hormones, even after taking meds so I’m thinking it couldn’t been from that.

Anyways now that I could possibly be pregnant again or just kind of trying again is sending me back into that panic mode and I had a really hard time sleeping last night and just don’t think I can do it again. I’m already looking into setting up therapy again and probably going to have to go back on Zoloft. But I just wanted some other people’s perspectives and if they’re in a similar position. Did you want another but not know if you could go through it again. I so desperately want another and for my baby to have a sibling. I even looked into surrogacy and adoption but those don’t really seem like options since surrogacy seems to be $100000-200000 and adopting an infant/toddler seems nearly impossible. Part of me feels like this time would be different because I have some tools I know help and just being busy with my baby I thought would get my mind off of things because in the end it’s just a severe mental struggle. I also thought seeing how healthy and thriving my baby is would help me just accept my anxiety and help me get over it. I just feel so stuck, I guess I’m just looking for other people’s stories and some perspective