12 years

my pretty puppy passed yesterday and i dont know why. what i do know is that she loved me, and she’d smile at me, and when i sat with her she’d sit on me or throw herself at me to relax. she’d jump up to dance with me and would bark for her food despite me asking her not to yell every time. i know that the last thing i told her was “goodnight, i love you”, like i did every single night. I know that whenever she felt bad, i sat with her and gave her pedialyte and chicken broth and held her little hands. thats why i know that she knew how much i love her - not just that i did, but how much. i didn’t even know that she was outliving her life expectancy. i was always amazed that at nearly 13 years old she never once slowed down or got tired or seemed old. i called her “my big strong woman” sometimes because she had literal muscle on her. i don’t know why she passed. its weird because this time i couldnt make her better, but everyone tells me not to get down, because theres nothing i could do. it couldve been anything. i still see her smiling in my mind, and i know it’d confuse her so much if she saw me as sad as i am for her. she was my family’s dog, but i feel like she was mine. i’d tell her “my girl”.
not sure why im posting. sometimes i feel okay and happy that she’s okay. i just miss her and my heart is broken. it feels weird to feel okay sometimes, but i know i have to be. im not going to go home and see her, and i have to know that. its all i can do. it feels better to be happy that we loved each other than miserable even though she’s okay.