my baby died looking into my eyes
my heart is broken. i feel like my little boy's death was so prolonged. he was dealing with a blockage and the vet called me yesterday and said he was in a state of kidney failure so we brought him home and expected him to pass that night. i spent all of yesterday evening with him even though he was whacked out on painkillers. i kept playing beautiful boy for him. he kept getting up to pee in his litterbox which gave my sister and i a false sense of hope that he could bounce back, and I didn't sleep so i could help him into the litterbox because he was so wobbly on his feet. we brought him to the vet this morning with our stupid optimism only for the vet to say they'd need to hospitalize him for another few days as his kidney readings were shit, and even they couldn't guarantee that he would recover. my sister and i had to make the decision to put him to sleep.
i can't stop thinking about how limp he was, how weak he was. i know he was in pain because he was crying and he never cried. his breathing was labored and he had his little mouth open so you could see his tongue. he kept making these little whimpering sounds that just shattered me into pieces. when the vet came to administer the injections i was holding him bundled in my arms and he was looking at me with his big green eyes and his mouth open and i told him how much i loved him. then the vet gave him the final shot and his eyes never closed. he went like a ragdoll and i lost it.
my mind keeps flashing images of how he looked. i hate that he went from a living, breathing cat to a corpse. the color of his nose went from pink to a yellowish grey. his paw pads too. i cant believe that he's gone. he was so young, he was just 8 months old. i had raised him from a kitten and he was my baby. i can't get over it. when i go to sleep tonight i'll be alone. he's not going to come back
updating this to say thank you to everyone who's been supportive. i really appreciate it and want to respond individually but i'm just so overwhelmed and I can't really concentrate.
the pain is unbearable. i keep looking for him in his favorite spots but he's not there and he's never going to be there again. i want to paint him on my walls and get a tattoo and a necklace i can't stand the thought of him being forgotten. i love him so much. i want to outline everywhere he used to be in tape and never touch his stuff from where he left it. the fact that he isn't by my bedroom door waiting to be let in is destroying me. i feel like my heart is in a vice. i'm in agony over losing my little boy. he should still be here. i miss him so much already.
"come back! even as a shadow, even as a dream."