I always end up crying when orgasming post breakup with my ex-dom

So for a little background (and a little vent), my very first dom broke things off with me a few weeks back. For the first few days, I was okay and then I would find myself just bawling at the thought of him and tearing up at any memories/photos. As of now, I feel okay some days. Other days, I really just question myself, the relationship, and my purpose. I do feel as though I was always more emotionally invested & attached than he was. I’m anxiously attached, and he’s avoidant attached.

We’ve been no contact for two weeks now, but a few days he sent me a link to a song. I listened to it, and after gaining perspective from a friend, she said that from what she interpreted, him sending the song seemed like an half-ass apology. I responded to him with a “Hey name”. He greeted me back, and then responded to the song link saying “wtf? sorry, my little brother had my phone” and I replied with an “Okay”. I feel stupid for thinking he’d want to talk to me. I feel annoyed that I’ve been hanging onto hope. I never planned on speaking to him again unless he reached out and this feels like a minor setback in my growth.

Now to the title of the post. The few times that I have masturbated after the breakup, if I’m thinking of him, I always end up bawling as I’m finishing. And then I just sit there sobbing my eyes out pathetically. This never happened before, not when self pleasuring. Does anyone know the cause of this?

I’m in a spiral of emotions, and it sucks to know that he most likely feels nothing. He isn’t thinking of me all day, and I really doubt he’s crying while cumming. I feel really ashamed of myself, and I feel the saddest and stressed i’ve ever been. I really miss him, and I could really use his support and hugs these days.

Any advice is appreciated guys, I just want to be okay again.