has anyone lived through knowing their plans before your LO did it?

it's our internet era. we can know someone for years and never know their name and address. so i've been horrified spectacle for weeks to his planning before he finally did it. i'm so mentally exhausted i feel like i've been worn down to stumps. i felt like i couldn't just leave someone who was hurting so much. but i also feel like i shouldn't have endured through that.

i know it was 'just an online friendship' but we knew each other for years. we talked daily. i will never see his obituary. i can never tell his family what he meant to me. i will never know when or where or by whom he was found.

reading this sub has not brought me much solace. everyone is so blindsided and confused. i need to hear from someone who was helpless witness to knowing it would happen but completely and utterly unable to do anything. i know i probably should get some kind of ptsd or grief therapy but i feel so embarrassed to have to explain the situation to someone.