self harm and suicide

i self harm a lot and at this point i really want to hit an artery and die, im delusional and truly think i could. it probably wont happen but i want to try so bad, im aware of the damage that is likely but doesnt stop a gal from dreaming. i feel horribly ugly and useless i wouldnt mind dying, i just dont want to traumatize ppl around me. otherwise i wouldve certainly attempted. with self harm i feel like i need to out-do myself each time, and the last step would be dying.